


Can I Stay?

by skinsharpenedteeth (Skinsharpenedteeth)



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blow Jobs, Drug Use, Emotional Sex, Hurt/Comfort, I swear there's a happy ending, Insomnia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Possessive Behavior, Post S2, Sleep Disorder, Sleep Groping, Slow Burn, Sort of cheating?, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:15:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skinsharpenedteeth/pseuds/skinsharpenedteeth
Summary: Alex Manes finds he can't sleep well without Michael in his bed. This is an issue since he's dating Forrest and Michael is still in love with him. So follows a four month series of nights both beautiful and ugly. This is a series of vignettes broken into chapters by month.
Relationships: Forrest Long/Alex Manes, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes, Michael Guerin/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 63
Kudos: 186





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The title "Can I Stay" is from a Ray Lamontagne song of the same name. It's very good if you want to find it and give it a listen. 
> 
> This is a series of vignettes about Michael and Alex's nights together post S2. Alex is dating Forrest but it having trouble sleeping so he starts showing up at the Airstream hoping being with Michael will help him sleep. Some of these nights get very messy. Some of them are beautiful. This piece is 98% written and I have every intention of finishing it.

**Prologue – The Sixth Night**

“Michael,” a voice whispers at him through the darkness of dreams. He hums contentedly and reaches out, hands finding warm, soft skin and his nose registering lavender and sage floating near him. A body of soft cotton and subtle muscle slides across his to the side of the bed closest to the wall. He feels strong arms wrap around his torso and a soft, warm cheek take root on his chest. He buries his nose in the feather light hair and takes a few gulping breaths to fill his lungs with that herbaceous, salt tinged scent of its’ skin, letting it soothe him and make his lips tingle. His hand absentmindedly pets the beautiful creature that has settled against him in the dark, his fingers tracing up and down their cloth covered spine as he feels himself getting drug back under into the weightless oblivion of sleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, sun filtering through the thick curtains that helped to regulate the temperature in the trailer during the summer, he finds that he’s smiling softly to himself over the dream he’d had. He stretches languidly in bed, arms raising and brushing the wall above him, legs jutting over the side so he can point his toes until his ankles pop. When his arms flop back onto the bed, he feels the crinkle of paper under his skin. He raises his left arm and looks at the piece of paper laying on the bed next to him, picking it up and squinting at it through his still sleep fogged eyes.

_**Thanks for letting me sleep over. You need to buy toilet paper. – A.M.**_

Michael lays his head back on his pillow and closes his eyes, thinking about the warm, soft creature that had curled against his side in his dreams and how right it had felt to have them there. He felt the peace he’d had when he’d woken up start to drain away as he thinks about how often this has been happening lately. It had started out slowly with it only happening once or twice in the first month, then it had become weekly, and now it was always a fifty/fifty chance he’d wake up smelling Alex’s soap pressed into his skin and blankets.

They’d only really talked about it the first night…


	2. August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first two nights...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, none of the night's listed are consecutive. They all happen sequentially in the same month as titled in the chapter, but with days in between with minimal contact between Michael and Alex.

**The First Night...**

_“Michael?” a small, tired voice penetrated his sleep. He jerked up onto his elbows, looking around the dark trailer for a moment in confusion before spotting Alex sitting at the end of his bed. Light flashed through the gaps in the curtains and Michael realized it was storming outside, had been raining cats and dogs all afternoon but the night had brought the rumble of thunder and a light show. Tomorrow the soil outside his Airstream would be soft and hazardous to walk or drive through until he got to the packed gravel of the main road out. It had been pouring for hours and as his brain finally focused on Alex sitting at the end of his bed, he could see where Alex’s clothes, even in the dark, had the sharp highlights from being soaked through. The sheets near his feet felt cool and damp through the blanket which confirmed his suspicions that Alex had walked farther than he should have in the deluge to get to here._

_“Alex?” he asked, confused as to why he was there at this time of night in this weather. Michael couldn't smell blood and nothing seemed to be threatening them. It had been quiet since Jesse Manes had died. Everyone was settling down and redefining their places within the group, now that there was a group. Alex had been dating Forrest and Michael had been trying to be happy for them.  
_

_“No….yes… I just…” Alex stuttered out, sounding uncertain and tense. Michael could see the strain on his face through the quick flashes of light from the windows. His skin seemed thin and stretched over his bones, all his contours sharp and hollowed out. He looked worn out. “Can I stay here tonight?”_

_Michael considered it. Considered what it would mean if he slept in the same bed at the love of his life. Could he give Alex that intimacy without pushing for more? Would it ruin their tenuous friendship? The love of his life who was dating someone else and had been for months was sitting at the end of his bed asking for him to be his protector for the night. Alex had sought out **him** and not Forrest to help him get through this simple act. Something must have be wrong. Something must have happened to make Alex show up past midnight looking for a place to stay for the night._

_“Did you and Forrest break up?” Michael asked, wincing at the accusation in his voice. Half asleep still, he didn’t have the ability to censure his words and tone. Even though he’d been the one to walk away, it still hurt to know that Alex could be happy with someone else. Every time he’d seen him smile at the Pony or the Crashdown it had felt like the most exquisite, most singular painful slicing sensation through his heart. Exquisite because he’d missed seeing Alex smile so freely and with no weight behind his eyes. Singularly painful because he hadn’t caused it directly and he felt Alex growing away from him and towards this stranger who only knew the best parts of Alex._

_“No, no. We’re fine. He’s back at the house actually,” Alex mumbled, trying to sound casual about the fact that he was in Michael’s darkened trailer late at night and his boyfriend was at his home sleeping in a half empty bed. The silence stretched between them, tension building with all the questions left unasked. Alex’s body started to shift and turn away, his muscles tensing to stand and leave, and Michael couldn’t let it end like that. His hand shot out to grab the cold, soggy material of Alex’s jacket, holding him in place with a silent plea._

_“If he’s at your home, then why are you here, Alex?” Michael asked, the urge to get angry and lash out feeling almost washed away by an intense weariness. He just needed to know why. Why was he here? What could Michael give him that Forrest couldn’t?_

_“I can’t sleep. I’ve been having nightmares. I just… need to feel safe and get some sleep for a while. It’s been… days, Michael. Weeks. I’m so tired,” his voice broke on the last word and he seemed to collapse into himself. In that moment, Michael knew he’d let Alex do anything he wanted. He didn’t have it in him to ever deny Alex anything. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands before lying back down. He stared into the darkness and tried to gather his thoughts. He’d been so deeply asleep when Alex came in and that siren’s song to return to that state resounded through his brain. He doesn’t really care why Alex chose to come to him. He could help a friend in need with this most basic function, even if that friend has a constant cosmic “It’s Complicated” label over their heart._

_“There are sweats behind you in the top drawer. You’re not getting in this bed in wet clothes,” Michael said finally on a sigh of resignation. He stared up at the dark ceiling and wondered exactly how badly this was going to fuck him up later._

_“Thank you,” Alex replied in a rush of quiet gratitude that had Michael’s insides melting. Then Michael felt his weight leave the foot of the bed and heard him shuffle over to where Michael kept his clothes. He could hear the muffled rustling of Alex pawing through his things in search of something to change into. The rain pounded on the roof of the Airstream so loud it felt like no other sound should exist around it, but he could hear Alex’s movements like the world was silent. He turned and looked to see Alex setting down a pile of clothes on the counter. When he saw the dark outline of Alex beginning to strip, he shut his eyes and turned his back to him. He didn’t need to see this and know it meant nothing to Alex to show him his body as if they were just friends, as if they’d never been lovers at all. The whisper of clothes settling over skin was torture and Michael tried to listen for the rumble of thunder outside.  
_

_After a few minutes, the bed dipped behind him and a cool breeze caressed his skin as Alex flipped the blankets out of his way before taking off his prosthetic and laying it to the side. Then a cool hand cupped his shoulder and was gently pulling him to lay onto his back. He let himself be turned and tried to ignore how much it hurt to feel this helpless against another one of Alex’s whims. He opened his eyes and could see the faintest of details of Alex looking down at him in concern and longing._

_“Don’t turn away from me,” he pleaded, expression vulnerable and desperate even in the too quick flashes from the lightning and half dead security lamp outside. Michael shifted his body on the mattress and made himself available. His arms opened and he waited for Alex to move into them. When he did it was to half fall on him, his body cold and slightly clammy from the wet clothes he’d been wearing. Michael shivered as he felt Alex press himself against him, arms worming around his naked back and head resting in the crook between neck and shoulder. The delicious contrast between his cold skin and the warm puffs of breath Michael could feel stirring through his chest hair made him tighten his arms around Alex’s body in an effort to lessen the tension between them. He wanted to feel Alex melt into him, his muscles relaxed and his body pliant in release._

_“So, what happened? Why aren’t you sleeping, L—‘Lex?” His voice was quieter now that Alex was so close to him. He’d almost called him ‘love’. He wanted to blame it on the lateness of the hour and the strangeness of the situation, but he always called him ‘love’ when they laid in the dark and held each other together. He would always be his love._

_“I don’t know. Sometimes it’s nightmares. Sometimes it’s just that I can’t relax. You’re the only person I’ve ever been able to actually fall asleep with. With Forrest… well, it is different. I don’t know, maybe its hyper vigilance left over from the military, but there are just certain things I need in order to relax enough to sleep… My body doesn’t like change apparently,” Alex replied sounding resigned and a little doubtful. Michael could hear that he didn’t have a better explanation about his why, but he nodded while he listened to him and paused before he replied._

_“Don’t you think Forrest will wonder where you are?” Michael asked, leaning his cheek onto the top of Alex’s head even as he knew he should make him go back home and face his issues with his boyfriend._

_“I told him I was going for a drive to clear my head. He understands needing space to think. He knows I’ve lived through trauma and sometimes it gets me fucked up,” Alex replied, shrugging against Michael’s arms. He was starting to warm up, starting to feel closer to Michael’s own temperature as they lay pressed together under the thin chenille blanket. The storm continued to rumble outside, and it felt like the weather was matching Alex’s mood. They laid there in silence for a while, Alex’s body relaxing and his weight getting heavier on Michael’s side until he thought he’d fallen asleep._

_“Michael?” His voice was soft and heavy, a hand moving over Michael’s chest, fingers combing through the hair there until it rested over his heart. “Thank you.”_

_“Anytime, Alex. You can come to me anytime,” Michael replied, kissing the crown of Alex’s head softly before letting himself settle in to try and sleep. Alex’s slow, even breath was hypnotizing, and he felt himself match it soon enough, his mind slipping back into the empty bliss of rest._

**The Second Night**

_The crunch on gravel and the flash of headlights woke Michael up out of sleep. He’d only been dozing, still a little too drunk to have sunk into the deeper sleep that awaited him, and the sound of a car door being opened and shut caused his body to tense in anticipation. He’d been laying on his stomach, arm curled around his pillow and legs half off the side of the bed. He was sober enough by now to smell the cigarette smoke and spilled whiskey that clung to his skin and hair. He breathed shallowly while he tried to figure out who would be there that late and what emergency could have occurred. Then the thump of feet settling on the gravel and Alex’s uneven gait clues him into who would be here to knock on his trailer door. His held breath is let out in a whoosh against his pillow in relief as he feels to tension drain from his muscles._

_A gentle, tentative knocking sounds at the trailer door and Michael wonders, ‘Is this how he’d knocked the other night?’ It was no wonder Michael hadn’t woken up for it._

_Michael rolled and sat up on the edge of the bed, noting that he was still fully clothed from earlier. He stood with unsteady legs and ambled towards the door, using the wall as support while his mind tried to go all swimmy on him from the residual alcohol and acetone in his bloodstream. With the door opened, he can look down at Alex who looks familiarly unsure of his welcome._

_“You keep showing up like this and I’m going to think you like me,” Michael flirted half-heartedly, echoing a statement he’d made many, many months ago. Alex manages to shoot him a tired, wan smile in response. The skin under his eyes looked bruised even in the faint light from the Airstream’s lamps. Michael felt a worm of worry start to wriggle in his gut._

_“Can I sleep here again?” Alex asked, looking hopeful but also ready to bolt. Sighing, Michael backed away from the entrance to give him room to come in and waves his hand in permission._

_“Thanks, its—whew! It smells like you brought the whole Pony home with you,” Alex commented as he passed by, face scrunching with disgust at the smell coming from Michael’s person._

_“Well, I wasn’t expecting company I hadn’t invited so…” Michael retorted defensively. Alex was right about the smell and he knew it, but that didn’t mean he was going to accept commentary about it. Beggars and choosers._

_“I didn’t mean—” Alex started, his hand reached toward him as if to touch him, to comfort him, but Michael takes a cautious step back out of reach. His hand are held up in front of him to ward off any physical connection between them that Alex might’ve been trying to impose._

_“I know what you meant. I’ll go grab a quick shower if you want to find some pajamas to wear. It’ll be a few minutes,” Michael grouched as he shouldered past Alex and stomped towards the back of the trailer where his bathroom awaited. He shed his coat and threw it on the dinette table covered in maps and schematics before entering the bathroom and pulling shut the folding door. He stripped quickly, letting his clothes litter the floor of the bathroom before turning on the water and stepping in. The water always felt cool to Michael’s overheated skin so he didn’t bother to try and heat it up too much outside of winter. He grabbed the bar of soap off the shower inset shelf and gave himself a hasty version of a “whore bath” before dunking his head under the water and wetting down his curls. Still drunk, he really didn’t feel like doing the full shampoo/conditioner/leave-in treatment that Isobel taught him so he rubbed his hands with the bar soap to build up a lather and then hastily runs his fingers through his hair a couple times to try and rinse the worst of the cigarette smoke from it. He’d be surprised to know if he’d taken a full ten minutes from start to finish._

_Grabbing a towel off the rack, Michael scrubbed at his skin and hair to pick up the excess water and then wrapped it hastily around his hips. He kicks his clothes out in front of him and over to the pile across from the bed as he exited the bathroom, making sure there’s clear space in the aisle for Alex if he had to get up during the night. Looking up, he could see Alex sitting on his bed awkwardly, back too tight and formal as he tried not to look at Michael in his state of undress. The awkwardness quirks some sadistic part of Michael and as he walks past him, he lets the towel fall from his hips on the floor between them before continuing to dig out a pair of briefs to sleep in._

_“Guerin…” Alex admonished, exasperation and maybe a hint of embarrassment tinting his voice._

_“Alex…” Michael drawled back, pulling on the briefs with his back still turned before standing up and stretching his arms over his head. He tensed and released his muscles in a show before turning and grinning at Alex who looked a little overwhelmed by the display._

_“You’re not playing fair,” he accused before scooting across to the half of the bed nearest the wall. Alex looked at Michael reprovingly when he flopped down beside him, body taking up more than his fair share of the mattress._

_“Maybe I’m not playing,” Michael answered, folding his hands over his chest as he continued to smile at Alex in a way that in another life had earned him kisses and hips pressing him into the mattress._

_“You’re incorrigible,” Alex responded instead, laughing and slapping at his arm affectionately. It’s forced, but the dismissal hurts, nonetheless. Michael knew it was a necessary part of the charade they were playing. Alex wasn’t there for sex. He could get that from his boyfriend. He was there for sleep and whatever oblivion that could bring. He was there for the comfort of a friend, whatever that means._

_“Maybe,” Michael agreed slowly, adjusting to fit the role Alex needed him to play instead of the one he was born to. He lifted his right arm to signal that Alex could snuggle in and get into his preferred sleeping position. When Alex’s head was firmly against his shoulder, hand buried in Michael’s chest hair, the tension drained from his body as he began to relax enough for sleep. Michael found himself one more time considering the ceiling and letting those self-deprecating thoughts swirl through his mind. It would take him awhile to fall back asleep with Alex there next to him as he inadvertently acted upon the chaos in his mind, but it was worth the torture if it meant Michael could spend even one more hour with him in his arms._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos and high fives are always a welcome addition to my author brain's vanity! I hope you guys are enjoying this!
> 
> come gab at me about Malex or anything Roswell NM at [ tumblr! ](http://skinsharpenedteeth.tumblr.com)
> 
> thank you so much for reading!


	3. September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights 3 through 7.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, none of the night's listed are consecutive. They happen sequentially, but with time in between where there's limited/minimal contact between Michael and ALex.

**The Third Night  
**

_The fact that Maria was calling him on a Friday night was probably not a good sign. Michael had decided to drink at home for once, building up the fire in his homemade fire pit and leaning back in the uncomfortable metal chairs to listen to the radio and scratch out equations. They had found an awkward truce since the break-up that tended to end as soon as he left the Wild Pony’s parking lot. Sighing, he opened the call._

_“Deluca,” he said in way of greeting._

_“Guerin, I need you to come get Alex at the Pony,” she said in an exasperated rush. Michael could hear the music, jumbled voices, and crack of pool balls in the background. Sounded like a typical, busy Friday night at the local’s bar._

_“Call Forrest. I’m not an uber,” he replied, hanging up and shoving his phone back in his pocket. A moment later the phone began to ring again._

_“What, Deluca?” he snapped through clenched teeth when he answered the second time. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to get his way and it irritated him to know that Alex was probably asking for him and not his boyfriend. It wasn’t fair._

_“He doesn’t want me to call Forrest. He wants me to call you. Something about needing somewhere to sleep. I have no clue what he’s talking about, but I still have three more hours of dealing with drunk assholes who pay my Mom’s facility bills so just come get him. Now, Guerin!” she finished and with a click the line was dead in Michael’s ear. He sighed and slumped for a moment, looking at the fire in the pit and then back at his trailer. Sighing again, he straightened and heaved himself out of the chair. Thankfully, he’d only had a couple beers and wasn’t even beginning to feel the edges of a relaxing buzz. That feeling would take a lot more than what he’d allotted himself for the evening. Math got hard when you couldn’t focus on the numbers and symbols._

_“This isn’t fair,” Michael mumbled to the junkyard around him, shooting a glare up to the universe before climbing into his truck and heading out towards the Pony. The windows were down, and the air felt cool and refreshing against his always too warm skin. The radio was playing a sad country ballad and he was starting to get a bad feeling about how the night was going to go. Could he just swerve? Flip the truck, let himself get a little roughed up, lay on the desert floor and wait for someone to notice? Let Alex stay at the bar until Maria gave up on him and called Forrest to deal with his drunk ass? Just keep driving until he found himself in a new town with no messy ex’s whom he still had feelings for? Who didn’t curl into him on odd days of the calendar? Who didn’t ask for things they had no right to anymore?_

_His thoughts circled the drain until he pulled into the Pony’s parking lot and saw Alex slumped outside the metal building under one of the security lights. Michael felt himself get a little angry that Maria just dumped her supposed best friend outside to fend for himself. Apparently, if you’d slept with the same person, it meant you could treat them like you treated yourself. He grumbled in irritation as he parked in front of Alex’s swaying, slumped figure, He climbed out the truck and approached Alex, noting the evidence of copious vomiting next to him in the gravel. He sighed through his nose and knelt in front of Alex whose eyes were closed against the harsh light above him. He looked pale and clammy in the yellow fluorescent security lights of the parking lot._

_“Hey,” Michael started without ceremony, grabbing Alex’s knee and jostling his leg to get his attention, “you okay?”_

_“I threw up,” he mumbled miserably, body swaying towards the chunks left over from the action. Michael caught his shoulder before he could fall over and get it on him. It was a miracle it wasn’t on him already._

_“Yeah, I see that. Think you’re going to do anymore of it?” Michael asked kindly, petting Alex’s hair in sympathy. He’d been in this condition more often than he cared to admit and it was never because he was **happy** in life. _

_“I don’t think there’s anything left,” Alex said, though predictably he was able to heave up some bile shortly thereafter. Michael nodded, let him get through the dry heaves, and then stood up and held out his hand for Alex to grasp so he could help him stand._

_“Come on, Captain. Let’s get you home,” he said, stumbling a little as Alex’s balance tossed him forward against Michael. Michael felt Alex’s arms grasp at his shoulders and he automatically held Alex’s waist to keep him from falling either into the side of the truck or back onto the ground._

_“You always take such good care of me,” Alex mumbled against his shoulder as he settled to collapse/hug Michael for a minute. Michael cast another dark, contemptuous glance towards the night sky._

_“Yeah, I’m a chump like that,” Michael said on a sigh, maneuvering Alex so that he was able to help him walk/stagger back to the passenger side door. He helped him hitch up and slide onto the bench seat before putting the seatbelt onto him and slamming the door closed. He could hear Alex’s pained groan and dispassionately watched him lean his head out the window to spit a couple more times as another dry heave wracked his booze addled body. What a night._

_“You really don’t do half measures. The military teach you to go this hard?” Michael asked as he climbed back behind the driver’s seat. Alex just groaned in response and brought his head back into the cab as Michael backed out and began to pull onto the highway._

_They’d been driving for about ten minutes when Alex’s head seemed to jerk up in alert and he looked at the passing scenery in confusion._

_“Where are we going?” he asked, distress in his voice as he reached over and clutched at Michael’s arm. He put more force into it than necessary and Michael’s truck went swerving wildly across the yellow lines before he could jerk his arm out of Alex’s hold and pull over to the side of the road. Fuming, he looked over at Alex, slammed the truck into park and cut the engine._

_“What the fuck, Alex? You could have killed us!” Michael yelled into he silence, his heart feeling like it would pound out of his chest. Alex moaned and clutched his head which he’d apparently smacked it against the window frame during the incident._

_“Oowwww, I’m sorry Michael,” he moaned piteously. He was whining into his hands and swaying against the hold of his seat belt. Michael watched his theatrics without sympathy, wondering why he didn’t just get an uber to come pick Alex up instead of doing it himself. Alex was not his problem. He shouldn’t be the one to have to carry him home and help him cover whatever shade of shame drove him to this level of drunk._

_“Are you okay?” he asked finally, not trying to mask the irritation in his voice._

_“I just… I just want to…” Alex whined as he slipped over to his side, his hands reaching and grasping at Michael’s legs weakly. Michael rolled his eyes and watched him maneuver his hips past the belt across his lap and push his way to curl up on the bench. He used his legs to push and move his body until he could rest his head on Michael’s lap, his hands wrapping around Michael’s thigh like it was his pillow. The seatbelt wrapped itself ineffectually against his shins. While Michael watched, Alex sighed in contentment as soon as he was positioned against Michael’s leg, a small smile curling his lips. He tried not to let it affect him. He tried not to soften towards the man who was tearing his heart out at every opportunity, but looking down at the contented smile on his face, the way he nuzzled his cheek against the denim of Michael’s jeans, the way his hands tightened every so slightly on Michael’s leg before his whole body just relaxed into slumber was enough to start melting the edges of his ice cold resolve._

_“You’re going to kill me,” Michael said softly down at Alex’s unconscious form. His hand found Alex’s head, fingers running through his hair, and continuing down to rest on Alex’s shoulder. With another loud sigh, he turned the engine back over and turned the truck around to start back towards the trailer. Apparently, he was taking Alex to his home and not Alex’s._

**The Fourth Night**

_The headlights shining in the absolute darkness of the desert alerted Michael someone was coming down the path to his vista long before he heard the rev of the engine or crunch of the tires. He didn’t look to see who it was because who else would know about this place or come searching for him at this time of night? He sighed and made his body stay relaxed where he laid supine upon some stacked blankets in the bed of his truck._

_He listened as the car parked and the cooling clicks of the engine began. When the lights cut off it made him blind for a moment while his eyes readjusted. They were in one of the darkest places in the U.S. and the sky above was a brilliant light show compared to the washed-out shapes of scrub brush and cactus surrounding him. The car door slammed and soon after Michael felt the dip of the truck as Alex hoisted himself onto the tailgate. Alex turned and stared at where Michael was laying in the truck bed. Michael stared back and waited for him to speak first._

_“I looked for you at the junkyard,” Alex said finally to break the silence._

_“Then?” Michael asked curiously._

_“Then I went to the Pony, I drove by Max’s and Isobel’s, I made a slow tour of all the bars downtown… and then I thought about here,” Alex made a motion with his hand to indicate the space around them. He was beginning to come back into focus with every second Michael spent in total darkness with him._

_“There’s a meteor shower tonight. I wanted to see it,” Michael replied simply, eyes darting back up to check the sky for signs that it was starting._

_“Is that it or were you hoping to avoid me?” Alex asked, glancing down at his hands. Uncertainty was written all over his expression as he waited for the answer. Michael wasn’t sure if that had been his unspoken motivation, but he could see how it would look that way. He’d had to endure the Forrest/Alex romantic comedy hour at the Crashdown two days in a row for lunch and he was pretty over it. The guilty looks Alex had thrown him every time Forrest wasn’t looking hadn’t helped his mood._

_“That’s it. Just wanted to watch things burn up in the atmosphere trying to reach Earth. It feels weirdly nostalgic. And anyway, I can’t avoid you, you know all my secret hiding places,” Michael replied, giving him a somewhat brittle smile. Alex met his eyes and looked pained, even in the darkness, before looking up towards the sky._

_“Mind it I join you tonight?” Alex asked as if he didn’t know Michael would let him do anything he wanted._

_“It’s a free country,” he responded flippantly. Alex nodded and turned. For a moment, Michael didn’t know what he was doing until he heard the clicks and then saw Alex’s prosthetic getting laid down next to the tire well. Michael sighed softly and flipped up the blanket he was under and waited. Alex finally turned and crawled up to where he was, laying on his side and propping his head up on his hand while looking down at Michael’s face. Michael let his head fall to the side so he could meet his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, looked like he was lost in his own thoughts trying to gather the words. Michael waited in silence and watched it all play out over his fine, artistic features._

_“This is going to sound dumb, but…” he finally started, trailing off at the end when he caught Michael watching him._

_“But?” Michael prompted, his fingers itching to smooth away the glossy brown lock of hair that had fallen across one of his eyes. It was stupid and sentimental, and Michael was pretty sure it would be crossing a line even if that line was only for his own good._

_“Do you want to get high?” Alex asked, holding up a slim white joint between his thumb and first finger. Michael stared at it for a minute before giving Alex an incredulous smile._

_“I’m pretty sure you could get into very big trouble, Captain Manes, for having or consuming that,” Michael pointed out even as he grabbed the joint from Alex’s hand and smelled it, excitement building in his stomach over the absurdity of his request._

_“I just got drug tested like two weeks ago. There’s no real reason for them to do it again for at least another six months unless my performance starts suffering. Anyway, I’m a wounded vet. They love me. But I mean… You obviously don’t have to if you don’t want to…” he trailed off, not taking the joint back from Michael but just watching him study it in his hand. Michael could feel the anticipation rolling off him in waves and it made him feel strangely warm that he’d wanted to do this with him._

_“Who gave you this? It smells medical grade,” Michael commented instead of answering directly, holding out his hand for a lighter. Alex produced one and Michael placed the joint between his lips and lit it, breathing in and holding before exhaling and passing the joint to Alex. Alex took his turn before answering._

_“Maria,” he said after his own exhale of the green smelling smoke. Michael nodded and took the joint back from him. He laid back next to Michael then, their shoulders shoved together as they looked up at the stars. After a couple passes, Michael spoke up again._

_“This feels so much like high school it’s giving me déjà vu,” he commented, laughing lightly. His mind was mellowing as the drug took effect and he couldn’t stop the small smile that stayed on his face. Maria always had the best weed and he hadn’t gotten to get high since they’d broken up. He preferred booze, but weed was like birthday cake. It was okay to have it on special occasions._

_Alex sat half up next to him and took a long drag. Michael watched as he bent over him, his face hovering close as he waited for Michael to get with the program and open his mouth. Michael exhaled slowly and obediently parted his lips, waited to feel the soft touch of Alex’s before inhaling the secondhand smoke from his lungs and holding it in his own. Alex sat back up and stared down at him._

_“Now it should really feel like high school,” he said with a grin. Michael nodded, letting the smoke out through his nose slowly. His lips tingled where Alex’s had touched his and he held out his hand fingers for the joint. They maybe had one good hit left so he drug the smoke in until he felt his fingers scorch. He looked up at Alex and crooked his finger, inviting him down to share in the final drag._

_This time he felt Alex’s lips move against his. The kiss was chaste and barely there, but it was a kiss. Michael would know the feeling anywhere and as he breathed out he took the opportunity to lean up into the pressure. Their lips slipped against each other before they parted, Alex sitting back and Michael letting his head rest against his bundled jacket of a pillow. If he could’ve seen color in the dark, he was sure Alex would’ve been blushing. Alex darted a glance his way and back before exhaling, the smoke rushing out and into the night air._

_“That was a platonic kiss,” he said a little defensively, glancing down at Michael again as if he were going to challenge it. Michael shrugged, shook his head and laughed lightly._

_“Sure. No homo, you want to give each other a hand jobs next?” Michael asked, keeping his tone teasing. He’d have welcomed a hand job right at that moment. The weed was good and making his body’s nerve ending tingle pleasantly. It had been awhile, but he used to love getting high and having sex. Alcohol was easier to have instant access to and most of the people his age… well, they were adults now. With kids and lives that made it hard to get high and party on the weekends. The ones that didn’t still had jobs that randomly drug tested. Or Michael had already slept with them, which was probably closer to the truth of the situation. Then there was the largest group, which were people he didn’t fucking like. Drinking was just easier._

_Alex grinned down at him and even in the dark of the desert his expression was shining almost too brightly to bear._

_“Fucking jerk,” he said, chuckling and laying back down. This time Alex was using Michael’s stomach as a pillow while they stared up at the sky. The shower was beginning, and the weed was making it more spectacular to watch. Michael couldn’t resist combing his fingers through Alex’s hair, loving how soft the strands were between his fingers and how they tickled his stomach when they fell back against the skin exposed by his rucked up t-shirt._

_They watched until the show ended and without a word they each fell asleep. Michael briefly woke up at the sound of Alex’s engine starting as he left in the gray of dawn. The cottonmouth he had made him get up soon after to get a bottle of water from the cooler in the truck’s cab before he packed everything up and left himself. The air was crisp in the morning and he wished just once he’d wake up to Alex’s lips on his kissing him ‘Good Morning’ and keeping him warm with his body._

**The Fifth Night**

_“I feel like this is happening a lot lately,” Michael commented as he shifted to accommodate Alex once again crawling into his bed._

_“Refreshing sleep is addicting. Are you complaining about me being here?” Alex asked, eyeing him speculatively._

_“Never,” Michael replied, feeling his face soften unacceptably._

_“Michael…” Alex started, face closing off at Michael’s expression. Michael hurriedly changed his features to something more guarded and acceptable._

_“I know. We’re friends. This is between friends. I haven’t forgotten,” he said placatingly though his heart rate had picked up in a small blip of panic over the thought that Alex would leave over his slipped façade. The kiss in the desert had been a joke, a lark between friends, and it didn’t matter how much harder his heart beat in his chest when he thought of the way Alex’s lips had felt brushing against his. Alex looked down at him for a long moment before seeming to accept his words. He nodded and lowered himself onto the mattress, body not quiet touching Michael’s._

_“In the spirit of friendship, can you hold me tonight?” Alex asked as he turned onto his side to face away from Michael. Confused, Michael paused and tried to interpret his meaning. He must’ve taken too long because Alex reached back and grabbed his arm, pulling at him until he spooned against his body, knees tucked in close and hand trapped against Alex’s chest with his hand resting over top. Michael clenched his jaw, willing his body to relax into the position, but finding it hard not to feel a sexual response to how their bodies pressed together. They’d never slept like this before. Even when they’d been **them,** they hadn’t ever spooned unless they were angling for sex. It was like his body had fallen into a habit and Michael didn’t want to wake up accidentally grinding into him as if it were old times._

_“As long as I don’t wake up with you humping me, Guerin, all morning boners will be ignored,” Alex said, his eyes still closed as he waited for Michael to stop mentally freaking out._

_“Okay,” Michael said, accepting the condition slowly. He went through the process of making his muscles relax and shifted until he felt a little safer to fall asleep in this position (with his hips a couple inches further away from Alex’s). He didn’t think he’d fall asleep like that, but eventually his brain accepted that this was just what they were doing that night and let him get a few, tenuous hours of rest before waking up alone. The spot in front of him was only slightly cool to the touch. He rolled to his stomach to breathe in scent of Alex on his sheets before falling back asleep, more deeply now that the danger of ruining everything had passed._

**The Sixth Night**

_“Michael,” a voice whispered at him through the darkness of dreams. He hummed contentedly and reached out, hands finding warm, soft skin and his nose registering lavender and sage floating near him. A body of soft cotton and subtle muscle slid across his to the side of the bed closest to the wall. Strong arms wrap around his torso and a soft, warm cheek takes root on his chest. His nose is buried in the feather light hair of this dream visitor and he’s taken a few gulping breaths to fill his lungs with that herbaceous, salt tinged scent of its’ skin, letting it soothe him and make his lips tingle. His hand absentmindedly pets the beautiful creature that has settled against him in the dark, his fingers tracing up and down their cloth covered spine as he gets sunk back under into the weightless oblivion of sleep._

_When he wakes up the next morning, sun filtered through the thick curtains that has helped to regulate the temperature in the trailer during the summer, he finds that he’s smiling softly to himself over the dream he’d had. He’s stretched out languidly in bed, arms raised and brushing the wall above him, legs jutted over the side so he can point his toes until his ankles pop. When his arms flop back onto the bed, he can feel the crinkle of paper under his skin. Raising his left arm, he looks at the piece of paper laying on the bed next to him, picking it up and squinting at it through his still sleep fogged eyes._

_**Thanks for letting me sleep over. You need to buy toilet paper. – A.M.**_

_Michael his head is laid back onto his pillow and he closes his eyes, thinking about the warm, soft creature that had curled against his side in his dreams and how right it had felt to have them there. He felt the peace he’d had when he’d woken up start to drain away as he thinks about how often this has been happening lately. It had started out slowly with it only happening once or twice in the first month, then it had become weekly, and now it was always a fifty/fifty chance he’d wake up smelling Alex’s soap pressed into his skin and blankets._

**The Seventh Night**

_Michael felt himself being twisted and pulled until he was on his back. It was either very late or very early depending on your level of wakefulness. He hadn’t shut off his lamp until nearly two and he could hear birds chirping outside despite the deep darkness that still prevailed around the Airstream._

_“Alex?” he croaked at the feeling of a warm body sliding next to his. He turned onto his side again but now he was pressed against the body next to his. Alex was shivering next to him despite the warmth of the trailer and a curl of fear wormed its way into his stomach. “You okay?”_

_“Yeah, I’m sorry it’s so late. I just… couldn’t sleep, too many dreams tonight,” he explained, mirroring Michael and burying his head against his chest. Michael drew him close and bent his head down to kiss his scalp, stopping short when it hit him._

_Alex smelled like sex._

_Alex wrapped his arms around Michael’s torso, pressing himself from chest to ankle against him. Michael wrapped his own arms around him on autopilot. His hand was rubbing the muscles between Alex’s shoulder blades and his head bent to press his cheek to the soft strands his hair. He inhaled again through his nose, slowly, trying to tell his brain to shut up. He’d imagined it surely, but there it was…_

_Alex smelled like sex with someone else._

_A sick weight slid into Michael’s chest and his mind screamed at him for being foolish enough to think that just because Alex was sleeping over here regularly that he wasn’t still fucking his boyfriend at home._

_“Thank you for this,” Alex whispered into his shirt. His voice sounded so grateful, but Michael’s mind couldn’t comprehend the emotion. “Thank you for letting me keep coming over like this.”_

_Did Alex know?_

_Did he know that Michael could smell the truth of another man’s hands and body on his? That he swore he could feel the salty grit of old sweat against his skin? That now he knew what Forrest’s body smelled like when it had been pounded and smoothed against Alex’s for… who knew how long their fucking lasted. Was he better than Michael? Did Alex bottom for Forrest like he did for Michael? Did he whimper and beg? Could Forrest make Alex come untouched? Did they… make love??... or was it just tension release?_

_Jealousy and anxiety raced along his spine even as Alex’s oblivious body relaxed against his, oblivious to the thoughts running through his brain. He had to stop himself from digging his fingers into Alex’s soft, flaccid muscles as he slept. He had to stop himself from throwing Alex off the bed and screaming for him to leave. He had to stop the angry, betraying tears from falling on Alex’s face and waking him up. He had to control the breath raggedly clawing itself past his airway. They were friends, just friends, just friends, **just friends.** Alex owed him nothing. His body did not belong to Michael. _

_His eyes had dried by the time Alex started stirring into wakefulness. His brain had worn a whole in the spot on the ceiling where he’d stared for the remainder of the night. Alex’s watch chirped and he saw Alex reach out and turn off the alarm. He shut his eyes when he saw Alex’s start to turn to look at him. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want Alex to know he’d spent the whole night spiraling because Alex hadn’t taken a fucking shower before coming over for his cuddle session._

_The mattress shifted and he heard the quiet sounds of Alex collecting himself. He almost broke when he felt Alex’s hands smooth his curls away from his forehead and the dry, warm feeling of his lips giving him the briefest kiss goodbye. Then there was the sound of retreat. He heard the low moan of the hinges as Alex opened and closed the trailer door. He heard the soft crunch of the gravel under his feet and the way he carefully opened and closed his car doors. Michael didn’t open his eyes again until he was sure Alex was well away from him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos and high fives are always a welcome addition to my author brain's vanity! I hope you guys are enjoying this!
> 
> come gab at me about Malex or anything Roswell NM at [ tumblr! ](http://skinsharpenedteeth.tumblr.com)
> 
> thank you so much for reading!


	4. October

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights 8 thru 14

**The Eighth Night  
**

_Alex stumbled into the trailer loud enough that if Michael had been asleep it would have scared the shit out of him. Michael had been laying in bed reading one of the Expanse novels and trying his damnedest to get tired enough to go to sleep. He’d felt wired and twitchy all evening, picking up projects and discarding them, trying to concentrate on things and failing. At Alex’s pained ‘ow’ from the door, Michael leant over the edge of his bed and peered down the corridor at him. He was half on the floor and half on the stairs looking flushed and embarrassed when he caught Michael looking._

_“You okay?” Michael asked in an expressionless voice, without moving to get up and help him._

_“Yeah, just give me a minute. I slipped on the stair and knocked the shit out of my knee,” Alex explained, still a little breathless and trying to laugh to let Michael know he was okay. Michael nodded stoically and moved back to continue reading. He was pissed at Alex so he didn’t really care if he bruised his knee sneaking into his trailer. He read the same sentence four times while he listened to Alex scrape and shuffle to stand and then walk back to him. He was already in pajamas with just a coat on over his thin sleep shirt. He stopped and stood before the bed, looking at Michael who was astutely ignoring him. He hadn’t moved over to make room for him nor had he started to crawl under the covers so they could cuddle all night as per usual. He just kept staring at his book and pretending he didn’t notice Alex awkwardly tossing his coat onto the counter and waiting for Michael to realize he was waiting for him to move.  
_

_“Michael?” Alex's voice held an uncertainty like he was finally understanding that something was wrong. Maybe he was starting to realize that he’d fucked up somehow. Michael didn’t look up. If he did, he’d cave. He always caved at that desperate look in Alex’s eyes._

_“Hm?” he hummed instead feigning distraction, turning the page despite the fact that he hadn’t read the one before. He hadn’t noticed that his knuckles were almost white where he was clutching the edges of the book trying to keep up his disinterested façade._

_“Can you… can you move over?” Alex asked, sounding unsure but with the edge of annoyance. It made the heat in Michael’s body flare as the anger really started to course through him. He lowered the book slowly to his lap, trying to ignore that his hands shook ever so slightly with his effort to appear calm._

_“Have you showered?” Michael asked, eyes glued toward the end of the bed, an edge to his voice that could cut glass. He now knew what the twitchy feeling had been. He wasn’t just mad at Alex; he was furious with him._

_“Excuse me?” Alex answered, sounding confused and slightly affronted. Michael let his eyes slowly lift to meet his, taking in every detail of his appearance. Every detail from the soft blue cotton pajama pants to the loose, well-worn v-neck tee which hung loose on Alex's frame but caught all the right angles of his body, to his mussed brown hair curling behind his ears and his fathomless dark brown eyes. He looked so soft and it just made Michael all the more angry to see him present himself as someone who couldn't possibly hurt Michael's heart the way he had.  
_

_“Have you showered? Because you were here three nights ago smelling like latex, spit, and semen and someone else’s soap. Was it Forrest’s or am I just the last stop of the night when you’re getting things he can’t give you? Did you think you could come over here with someone else’s come still on your hand and think I’d be okay with it?” Michael asked, spitting out each word and finally looking Alex in the eyes. He looked shocked and dumbfounded. He looked like Michael had just hit him. Then he looked angry and inside Michael smiled at the idea that he’d get to let out some of this ire at it’s originator._

_“What the fuck, Michael. That is uncalled for and frankly, none of your goddamn business! Do I question you about your extra curriculars? I don’t ask you about the questionable smells and substances I find on your sheets! When’s the last time you did laundry? Aren’t you afraid someone will get pregnant just leaning against the fucking kitchen counter?” Alex yelled, slamming his hand on the aforementioned counter for emphasis. Michael sucked his teeth, taking in Alex’s heaving chest and the fire in his eyes that finally matched Michael’s own._

_“I’m not the one crawling in your bed half the month while someone waits for me at home. How long do you think it’ll last that you’ll keep your hands to yourself? How long do you thing that I can? Why do I feel guilty towards a person I'm not even dating? Why are you doing this to me?!” If Michael screamed the last question and only then noticed as the silence rang afterwards. The world had gone watery around the edges and he blinked rapidly to keep the tears of frustration and anger from falling.This was not the time to break down.  
_

_“Doing what, Michael?! We’re **friends**. I thought you were helping a **friend**!” Alex asked through gritted teeth, trying to act like he couldn’t possibly understand why Michael was acting so irrationally. _

_“If you think we’ve ever been **friends** , you’re the dumbest motherfucker in this town,” Michael replied evenly, his eyes regarding Alex with cold calculation. Alex returned his stare and Michael was suddenly afraid he’d gone too far. He was afraid he’d just exposed too much truth for them to go on ignoring the awfulness of the situation once their tempers had cooled. He didn’t want to lose Alex, but he was starting to think he might need to. _

_“Then what are we, Guerin? Because you’ve never been my boyfriend either. So what do you think you are to me?” Alex asked, giving as good as he’d gotten. It was Michael’s turn to flinch. Never leave an opening for Alex Manes. He’d slip through every time and make you regret your error._

_“I don’t fucking know, alright?” Michael yelled, throwing his hands up and standing. He turned to try and pace away but found the bathroom blocking his way. There wasn’t enough room in this trailer for this. There wasn’t enough room in the state for the hurt that had been building under Michael’s skin every time Alex had crawled into his bed by the dark side of the moon and then left before the blue hour of dawn had passed. “But I’m getting pretty fucking tired of being used as a teddy bear to someone that doesn’t even want me.”_

_“Of course I want you, Michael. I **need** you. Why else do you think I’m here probably fucking up the first functional relationship of my life?” Alex yelled back, fists clenched at his side as he swayed restlessly trying to rid himself of excess energy created by the adrenaline of the fight. Michael stood stunned. Hearing Alex admit that he was self-aware enough to realize he was jeopardizing his relationship with Forrest willingly hadn’t made it any better. He didn’t feel anything positive about Alex needing him so much he was hurting himself to be with him. They just kept drowning themselves trying to save one another. The realization made the fight drain out of him.  
_

_“You need me more than you love me, I think. And I think we both should recognize that that’s not healthy for either of us,” he said, voice tightly controlled and falsely calm. He felt like he could fly apart at the seams any second. He was surprised the trailer wasn’t shaking with the force of his suppressed emotion._

_“But I do love you and that’s got to count for something,” Alex spit out his reply like it was a curse. His shoulders were still bunched up with tension. His voice sounded tight with emotion, ready to crack open and let the broken pieces of their relationship tumble to the ground between them. But he didn’t look as angry as he’d been minutes before and Michael felt both of them slowly deflating with the weight of their admissions._

_“I don’t think you should sleep here tonight. You should go home to your boyfriend. You should **stay** home with your boyfriend from now on,” Michael practically whispered as he stared at Alex’s hands, still balled, white knuckled and tight at his sides. They tightened and Michael was almost positive that Alex would take a swing at him, but instead he just huffed out a nearly silent ‘FINE’, turned on his heal, and left back into the night. _

_When Michael heard the Explorer’s engine catch, he let out the breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. He collapsed back on his mattress; the fight having drained all the energy from his limbs. He picked the book back up and looked at it for a moment before tossing it aside. Flipping off his lamp, he laid in the dark staring at his ceiling waiting for the first rays of light to chase away the awfulness the night had brought into his home. It was necessary. He kept telling himself the fight had been necessary.  
_

**The Ninth Night  
**

_Alex stayed away for eight days._

_The night he returned, Michael was drunk and stumbling in from the Pony. He shouldn’t have been driving, but… it had been a long week and what was his life worth anyway? He stumbled into his dark trailer, staggering against the cabinets and bouncing off the counters on his way back to the bed. He’d been stripping as he went, flinging his clothes and letting them fall where they may. He was down to his socks and underwear when he finally noticed the light catching the whites of Alex's eyes as he watched him from his bed. He staggered where he stood, looking dumbly at the where Alex was staring up at him in silence. There was a challenge and a plea for acceptance in his expression and Michael didn’t have it in him to fight tonight._

_Tiredly, he motioned with his hands for Alex to scoot over. Alex flipped the blanket back and shuffled his body closer to the wall. Michael let his body tumble into the mattress, his back bowed and body half curled so that he wasn't facing Alex. Michael didn't have to ask for what he wanted. Alex knew. Alex knew him so well when they both just acted instead of thought or spoke. So Michael didn't protest when he felt Alex slide his body against his back, an arm burrowing under the pillow beneath Michael’s head and the other wrapping around his chest to pull him back more firmly against Alex’s chest. He could smell the strong, clean scent of Alex’s skin and his lavender sage soap. He could feel the cool dampness of Alex’s hair when he laid his cheek between Michael’s shoulder blades, the slight scratch of stubble making goosebumps erupt over his torso. He’d showered. Alex smelled like himself. Michael didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse for all the things he’d said the last time they’d been in this room together, but a piece of his heart swelled at the possessive press of Alex’s hand over his heart and the fact that he’d returned to him._

_Michael let the whiskey pull him under then. Before he was sure he was fully asleep, lost somewhere in that in purgatory where ghosts could speak and feel as real as the living, he felt the softest rasp of Alex’s lips against his skin of his shoulder. He knew somewhere deep that Alex shouldn’t be doing that, but it felt like an apology for the last time they’d seen one another, and he wanted to think that Alex was sorry he’d hurt him. He’d just wished those lips could’ve touched his instead of pressing against his back like a secret. Every breath that washed over his skin was another secret he'd keep for Alex to be happy._

**The Tenth Night** _  
_

_**The world was shaking and he was trapped underground, stones dislodging from the walls and ceiling and falling all around him. The world was shaking and Alex was calling his name. He had to get to him, had to save him from the Earth before it swallowed him whole. The world was shaking and** he was suddenly aware of a hand on him waking him from his dream. _

_“Michael?” Alex was saying his name like he’d said it several times with an edge of fear and desperation to his voice. Michael felt Alex’s hand firm on his shoulder, shaking him lightly to wake him up. He was down in the bunker, sprawled half on top of his worktable where he’d been theorizing and strategizing space travel. He groaned as he straightened out his back and stretched his arms. He shook his head trying to rid himself of the last few panicked moments of the dream. He’d been down there the last few nights trying to find the hidden key for his calculations. He looked over at Alex who no longer looked worried, but annoyed at him in a familiar, easy way that meant he was more annoyed that Michael had given him a fright.  
_

_“What time is it?” Michael asked though a yawn wide enough to pop his jaw. He didn’t have a clock down here and he’d left his phone in the trailer. He had the day off tomorrow so it hadn't seemed important to need to keep up with time.  
_

_“Around one thirty. What are you working on?” Alex asked, leaning his butt against the edge of the work desk and looking over his shoulder at Michael’s scrawled notes and equations._

_“Leaving this planet and finding home, what else?” Michael said with a bitter smile. Alex frowned at him and then practically glared at the papers on his desk. Michael laughed a little at the expression. “Don’t worry, I’m so far from achieving it, I’ll probably always live and die on foreign soil. Home is a long way away and still 99% unachievable dream.”_

_“Michael…” Alex started, his tone admonishing Michael’s melancholy humor. Michael shrugged by way of apology and stood up, pushing his chair under the desk with his mind as he took a step towards the exit._

_“I assume you’re here because it’s bedtime?” Michael asked over his shoulder as he started for the ladder._

_“Yeah,” Alex agreed, sighing heavily. Michael caught the sad look he was giving him and the glance back down at the notes. He looked like he’d suddenly shouldered a hundred-pound pack and Michael didn’t know how he felt about that._

_“Come on, Captain. It’s time to dream,” Michael called over his shoulder, climbing quickly out of the hatch and starting towards the Airstream. Alex was following a few steps behind him and Michael repressed the urge to swing around and push him against the trailer and demand to know why he cared so damn much about Michael leaving when he was with someone else. He didn’t understand how this had become so normal between them. He thought their fight would smooth out this wrinkle between them and Alex would stop coming by for sleep overs. He still hated that he was a fail safe for Alex when he couldn’t function like “a normal person”._

_Inside, they stripped and changed with their backs to each other in the corridor of the trailer. Michael let Alex slip into the bed first so he could be nearest the wall and then he followed, falling onto his back like he always did. Alex curled against him immediately. Even though it was the same position he always took, it felt more desperate somehow after the way he’d looked at him over the notes for Michael’s escape from Earth. The way he pressed his body tightly against Michael's and the restless way his fingers petted and scratched over his sternum… The way his nose pressed into the soft, vulnerable skin of his throat and inhaled deeply like he were trying to memorize Michael's scent was making Michael's heart hurt. It was the easiest thing in the world then that Michael started trying to soothe Alex by running his fingers through his hair. He interlaced their fingers over his chest to stop the anxious, exploring fingers and he kissed the crown of Alex's head softly, pulling him more tightly against him._

_“What’s wrong, Alex?” he asked gently when he noticed the gentle tremble of Alex’s body against his, as if he were cold despite the warmth of Michael’s skin and the blanket thrown over them._

_“Nothing,” Alex replied shortly before throwing his leg over the top of Michael’s thighs until he was half on top of him, ankle hooked around his knee to keep him as close as possible._

_“Was it my talk about leaving Earth? Because you know that’s seriously so unlikely, it’s laughable I’m even entertaining the thought,” he said trying to stretch his head far enough back to watch Alex’s expression. Alex unwound his hand from Michael’s so that he could wrap his arm around Michael’s ribs, a desperate hug as if Michael had tried to get away from his full-body bind.  
_

_“You’re pretty fucking smart, I’m not sure it’s as unlikely as you think,” Alex mumbled into his skin. He sounded so sad and defeated that even the pleasant scrape of Alex’s unshaven cheek against his skin couldn’t hide the emotion in his voice._

_“I’m so fucking smart so I know how much I don’t know that I would need to for the plan to work. Not to mention materials. Besides,” Michael said, pausing to shift onto his side beneath Alex’s arms and legs so he was facing him, their bodies intertwined beneath the covers with only scant inches between them. Michael pressed his forehead to Alex's and caught his eyes before continuing, “I will never leave you as long as you need me here.”_

_Alex was silent while they stared at each other. There were a million unasked questions between them, but Alex only voiced one._

_“What if by then I love you more than I need you by then?”_

_“Then I’ll stay for that too,” Michael promised. "Or I'll take you with me."_

_He leaned forward until they shared their breaths with each other. He paused, catching Alex’s eyes, searching for permission. Instead of answering, Alex simply closed the space between them and let their lips rest against each other. It was dry and chaste, but turned bruising as Michael pressed forward until he felt his teeth pressing painfully on the inside of his lips. It felt like a hundred promises between them. When they parted, Michael pressed another smaller kiss to Alex’s forehead and then let him burrow into the space between his arms, head under Michael's chin and body crowded as close as possible. Eventually the small tremors in that had spread from Alex's muscles to Michael's subsided, but it took them each a long time to fall asleep that night._

**The Eleventh Night**

_Alex was curled up next to Michael in his favorite position. He wasn’t sleeping though, his fingers were playing with Michael’s chest hair while Michael semi-reclined trying to read to shut his mind up for the night. Alex’s fidgeting was distracting though and Michael realized he’d re-read the same paragraph multiple times trying to ignore the gentle pull of the Alex’s fingers carding and combing over his heart._

_“What’s on your mind, Alex?” he asked, looking over at Alex's discontented, far off expression. They used to never talk, but it seemed like that was now half as likely as not to happen. It used to be that Alex would come over either already in pajamas or would change into a pair of Michael’s as soon as he came inside the trailer and then he’d crawl under the covers, crowd into Michael’s space and they’d sleep. Tonight, Alex had come over earlier than usual and Michael wasn’t quite ready to turn off his lamp so they just cuddled and tried to shut off their minds._

_“Forrest knows I’m coming here,” Alex admitted quietly. Michael could hear the weight in his confession and didn’t know how to feel about it._

_“Did you tell him or did he follow you?” Michael asked, setting the open book flat beside him to keep his place. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping for. Did he secretly want Forrest to not be so perfect? To be jealous and possessive? Did he want Forrest to act out his own fatal flaws? Or did he want Forrest to be the nice guy he seemed like he was?  
_

_“I told him because we got into a fight about me leaving all the time at night. He was trying to get me to talk to the VA about counseling or sleep medication or something. I told him I slept just fine and he asked when and where cause it wasn’t with him. Then I told him about this, about you. I assured him it wasn’t sexual,” Alex added the last bit hastily and Michael felt it was more as a reminder for him than a placation for Forrest, but he kept his mouth shut and let Alex continue. “Anyway, I told him I was coming here to sleep. He was confused and I’m not sure I explained it very well.”_

_“You can’t even explain it to me very well, Alex,” Michael said with some exasperation, hating that he also sounded fond. Alex nodded glumly against his shoulder. “So did you break up?”_

_“No. No, he said while he didn’t understand it, if I said it wasn’t sexual then it wasn’t sexual. He didn’t like it, but if it’s what I needed then he’d just have to get over it.”_

_“Honestly, I can’t tell if he’s a really great guy for saying that or a really stupid one,” Michael admitted after a moment, chuckling softly. He knew too well what his reaction to that would've been.  
_

_“I should probably make more of an effort to stop coming over.” Alex sighed like the words took a lot of work to get out._

_“Probably,” Michael agreed, even though he was loathe to admit that he’d gotten used to the feeling of Alex next to him in bed and the nights that he didn’t stay were now the nights he tended not to sleep more than an hour or two, his ears always half listening for the sound of car tires on gravel._

_“I don’t want to though,” Alex confessed, turning his head and looking up into Michael’s face. His expression seemed desperate, as if Michael would scold him for admitting out loud that he didn’t hate needing Michael the way he did. “Will you forgive me for being selfish about this? For keeping this going between us?”_

_“I won’t change the locks if that’s what you’re asking,” Michael answered. He didn’t know how to answer the actual question though because even if he could forgive Alex, he wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive himself for how long he’d allowed this to continue especially if it ruined Alex’s chance at happiness._

_Deciding that he wouldn’t get any more reading done for the night, Michael dogeared the page and tossed the book over onto the counter at the end of the bed. He turned and flicked off the lamp above his head and scooted his body down so he could lay on his back. Alex waited for him to get comfortable and then assumed his position half across his chest. Michael’s arm automatically wrapped itself around Alex’s body, coming to rest on his back. Sage and lavender floated through his lungs and he bit his cheek to keep himself focused on their conversation and not on how good Alex smelled and felt against him.  
_

_“Do you love him?” Michael asked, his unoccupied hand coming to trace his own patterns on the back of Alex’s hand against his chest. The question made him feel so weak, but he had to know what he was dealing with. How foolish was he being with his own heart? How much damage was he doing to Alex’s by proxy?_

_“I do love him, but I love you too. And I love you both so differently,” Alex said with a disconsolate sigh. “I love you like I love breathing. Being here feels like something I do without needing to think about it. It’s just a primary action to being alive. If I didn’t come here I’d die from lack of oxygen. As it is I always feel like I’m only getting just enough to keep wanting more. And I love him like I love hot showers. He’s a creature comfort. I could live without him, but why would I when he brings me so much pleasure? He makes me feel good and clean, like I was never soiled in the first place. And that feeling is just as addicting as taking that first gulp of air when you’ve been under water for too long.”_

_Michael sighed through his nose and looked out the crack in the curtains to the empty junkyard beyond._

_“So we’re back to you needing me more than love me,” he said, trying to keep the old wound from hurting too much as it was irritated by his words._

_“But I do love you,” Alex replied, hugging his body closer and interlacing his fingers with Michael's. He said the words as if they'd be a balm instead of another injury. What did it matter if Alex loved him if he was knowingly going to pursue another love as well? Michael knew down that path lay madness, so he shelved the thoughts about the morality of their actions.  
_

_“I know you do,” Michael said instead, bringing their joined hands up to kiss Alex’s knuckles softly before just closing his eyes in resignation to the trauma he was enduring. He thought it would take forever to fall asleep, but like his body knew there was no point staying awake just to suffer, it gave up trying and sleep came upon him as a spell for stillness and silence._

**The Twelfth Night**

_The slap of skin and grunts of sex filled the air of the trailer. Michael held tightly to the shoulder of the man on fours in front of him, pulling him back with every one of Michael’s thrusts. His dark brown hair was sex tousled already and when he looked his over tan shoulder it was with dark brown kohl lined eyes blown with lust. The drunker Michael had gotten, the more he’d looked like a younger version of Alex. Not high school Alex, but maybe Alex if he’d been allowed to go to college instead of joining the air force. From this angle it didn’t matter much, Michael could half close his eyes and imagine it was **him**_ **.** _That it was Alex whose black fingernails were clutching the blanket and Alex who buried his face into forearm as he deepened the arch in his back._

_Except that he whined at the wrong times. He needed it harder, faster, and wanted Michael to **mark** him. The last bit made Michael’s lip curl involuntarily and he was extraordinary glad the guy had buried his face in the blanket while Michael picked up the pace behind him. He’d had just enough to drink to doubt he’d be able to come tonight, so his main goal was getting this guy off as quickly as possible so that he’d leave. The fantasy was ruined further when Michael glanced out his window to find the real Alex staring at him from the hood of his car, arms crossed over his chest and looking bored and disgruntled. _

_Michael looked back down at the twink he was plowing. He’d picked him up at Planet 7. He’d been dancing under the flashing club lights, glitter on his temples and he had looked just enough like someone else that Michael’s drunk brain had decided maybe he’d indulge that evening. His mind hadn’t been exactly right since he’d dodged having to talk to Alex and Forrest at the bar where they were practically glued together. Then Alex had caught his eye from across the floor and given him a **look** after he’d started to dance with the guy. A look that told him to ready his bed for a sleep over later and not to dally with his date. He cut his eyes to Forrest and found that he’d been looking towards the bartender, not paying attention the silent conversation between them. Michael didn’t know if Forrest had seen Alex staring at him and giving him messages with his eyes, but he didn’t want any part of it that evening so Michael had shaken his head at the look, looping his arms around the dancing knock-off Alex in front of him. He didn’t want Alex to come over. He wanted to take this twink home and let him exhaust him until the sun came up or he passed out. But there Alex was, waiting outside impatiently, and Michael didn’t want look at him while fucking someone else. _

_“Ride me,” Michael announced out of nowhere, slapping the guy’s ass and pulling out abruptly. He laid on his back where he wouldn’t be able to look out of crack in the curtains to see Alex staring daggers at him. The guy complied with enthusiasm, starting to turn to face Michael to ride his dick._

_“Nuh uh. Turn back around. I wanna watch you take me,” Michael said, throwing him a wink and trying to sound sexy. He really just didn’t want to see the guy’s face. In the harsh light of the Airstream he was too thin, too strung out and his makeup was running. He wasn’t even a knock-off Alex look-a-like after an hour of hard fucking. He was just another brunette twink Michael would forget as soon as he was gone._

_The voice must’ve worked because the guy managed to look turned on and flattered before facing away from Michael and taking his cock in hand to press it back in. Did he notice that Michael was only three fourths hard? He’d just gotten a rhythm going when the door to the Airstream crashed open, making the guys rhythm falter as he jumped in surprise. Michael leaned to the side to look past the guy’s body and they both stared at Alex when he came to stand in the middle of the Airstream’s corridor. Michael knew he was mad, but his expression was closed off and remote. He looked at the twink first, a look of distaste on his features, before returning his glare to Michael._

_“Get off and get out,” he commanded matter-of-factly, pointing towards the open door of the Airstream._

_“Excuse me! Who is this dude? I thought you said you didn’t have a boyfriend!” the guy said indignantly, trying to puff up his too-thin frame even as Alex’s cold eyes slid back to him._

_“He’s not my boyfriend,” Michael answered, not taking his eyes off of Alex. Alex met his gaze again and they stared at one another, both expressions cold and flat, like ice over a raging river. The guy was looking between them and must’ve gotten the picture that he was definitely the interloper. Huffing, the guy pulled himself off Michael’s cock abruptly, pulling an involuntary noise from him and causing Michael to break eye contact. The guy didn’t say anything to Michael or Alex, perhaps fearing he’d be in the middle of a knock-down, drag out fight if he did. He just collected his too tight black jeans and band tee and scuttled out of the Airstream closing the door behind him with a slam._

_Michael stayed where he was, propped on his elbows, naked, covered in sweat, and matching Alex glare for glare. Alex couldn’t intimidate him tonight. This was his home and if he wanted to fuck someone in it then he would. Alex had no claim over him or his space. He waited for Alex to say something, to start the fight that was coming, but Alex just stared at him. Michael knew there was screaming behind the dark brown eyes. Alex was tearing this place and him limb from limb, painting the inner walls of his mind in Michael’s blood and remorse. But outwardly? Outwardly, he was a statue._

_“I signaled to you that you shouldn’t come over. I guess you didn't see me,” Michael spoke up finally, his voice sarcastic and snappy. He wasn’t actually all that mad that Alex had gotten rid of the guy. He was just tired of Alex thinking he owned Michael’s nights. This bedsharing one-time favor had gotten out of hand and Michael was starting to mourn the nights when Alex wasn't pressed against him._

_Alex stayed silent, still glaring and clenching his jaw, the muscles fluttering and making his cheekbones sharper. His body was tightly coiled, a straight line from shoulder to ankle, and ready to get physical. Michael could see it in the way his shoulders moved when he breathed and the restless movement of his feet in his shoes. This wasn’t his favorite version of Alex. That edge of violence that seemed to hover around him when he got like this was palpable and Michael always wondered if he’d ever tip the scales to make Alex give in to that darker element of himself. He hoped not. When Alex looked like this, Michael finally saw the pieces that Jesse had passed on to him._

_“You said when this started that I could come over whenever. That I was welcome. I gave you a courtesy heads up tonight because I knew that I would need to sleep here and this is how you react?” Alex tried to sound reasonable, his voice taking on that scolding tone one uses with a tantrum throwing teenager. Michael narrowed his eyes at him before starting in._

_“You’re taking too many liberties with the invitation, Alex,” Michael replied, his jaw tightening in response to the patronizing tone of Alex’s argument. “This is getting out of hand. Maybe you should follow Forrest’s advice and just nut up and ask for sleeping pills.”_

_“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Guerin,” Alex replied coolly, eyes flicking over him briefly. The look was so fast Michael wasn’t even sure it wasn’t just his imagination, but then he saw him look him over again, eyes lingering on Michael’s condom covered erection._

_“Ditto,” Michael said, mocking his indifference. Maybe he had a death wish. Maybe he wanted Alex to truly destroy him. Maybe he wanted Alex to rip the offensive, used condom off him, take him in hand, and claim him for himself._

_Instead of answering, Alex walked past him into the bathroom. Michael could hear the faucet being turned on and he closed his eyes finally, laying back flat on the mattress while he listened to Alex moving around in the tiny cubicle. The alcohol was wearing off quick with the spike of adrenaline and he was beginning to feel tired all over. He‘d barely finished rubbing his eyes before Alex was back out and a warm, wet cloth hit him on the chest._

_“Clean up, Guerin,” he seethed, fight still hot in his veins._

_Michael gingerly plucked the quickly cooling rag off of his chest and sat onto the edge of the bed. He stripped the condom off and chucked it into the trash can in the restroom before looking up at Alex in disbelief. He still wanted Michael to bend. He still wanted Michael to rearrange himself so that he could stay the night. Alex was watching him with a complicated look on his face. Anger, of course, was still in the forefront but so was regret and the softening edges of longing. Michael sighed and stood up which brought him eye to eye with Alex in the too tight space._

_“I’m serious. I think you need to seek help. Counseling or medicine or something. This isn’t normal and it’s not healthy. I’ll never turn you away, but Alex… what are you doing here? You didn't have a fight with Forrest. I saw you two earlier and you were laughing, holding hands, being... happy...together. And now you're here?” Michael asked, his voice quiet and pleading. His eyes flicked between Alex’s brown ones as he waited for an answer._

_“I need **you** , Michael. That’s all,” Alex bit out, his hand reaching for Michael’s. He held his hand in his between them, staring down Michael’s slack grip. Michael could see the tears start to gather in Alex’s eyes, but he pressed on. _

_“No, you don’t, Alex. You need help and I’m not helping. Not really. I’m enabling. I’m enabling you because I’m just as fucked up, but at least I know it. I own that I’m not making good choices right now. I just want you to be happy and I don't think that'll happen if you keep coming around here all the time. Just promise me you’ll think about getting some help?” Michael asked, finally curling his hand around Alex’s and squeezing. Alex darted a glance into his eyes and nodded as a tear traced down his cheek._

_“I love you, Alex. I just want you to be happy,” Michael whispered again to the air between them. He drew his hand back from Alex’s and wrapped him in a tight hug, careful to keep the wet rag off of him. Alex wrapped his arms around him as a dry sob escaped out of him against Michael’s skin. He held him more tightly then and for a few minutes after, just letting the conversation sink in. With a sniff, Alex finally pulled back and rubbed a quick hand across his cheeks._

_“Can we go to bed now?” he asked, voice watery and strained. He wasn’t meeting Michael’s eyes, but Michael felt like he understood what he'd been trying to say. Sighing, he silently asked the universe for understanding. They weren’t going to solve the problem tonight, but maybe someday.  
_

_“Well, let me take a quick whore’s bath and get some clothes on, then yeah, we can go to sleep,” Michael replied, laughing at little as Alex seemed to realize that he was still standing around naked. At least his erection had gone away while they were being emotional with each other. Watching Alex cry had never been a kink of his._

_“Good idea,” Alex replied, huffing out an embarrassed laugh as he side stepped away from the bathroom to allow Michael to go in and start cleaning up. Michael ran the washcloth under hot water for a second and then looked over to see Alex sitting on the side of the bed stalled in the process of removing his prosthetic as he watched him._

_“See something you like, Manes?” he joked, half turning his naked body towards Alex. Alex blinked and then the tips of ears turned red in embarrassment at being caught staring._

_“Do you have another blanket?” he asked in lieu of answering, looking down at the one on Michael's bed in distaste._

_“Yeah, under the bed in one of the drawers. Might even be another set of sheets,” Michael joked, turning back and grabbing the bar of soap from the side of the sink. He did a quick lather on his important parts and used the rag to wipe away the residue of soap and other fluids. When he felt relatively cleaner, he stalked over to his closet and pulled out a pair of sweatpants. He was out of clean underwear and sleeping naked with Alex was asking for trouble._

_Finally, he laid down and Alex spread his backup blanket over them. Michael turned off the light and felt Alex nestle into his side. He heaved a weary sigh and let himself slowly get pulled into sleep._

**The Thirteenth Night  
**

_Michael dreamed. He dreamed of his mother coming to visit him in the barn at Foster’s Ranch. He dreamed she brought him something cool to drink. It was the liquid from their pods. When he tried to sip it from the glass it turned to gas against his lips. His mother laughed and painted their lips in silver, then they were able to drink the liquid down. She smiled all the time. She told him how much she loved him. She took the tray and told him when dinner was._

_“Michael!” Alex’s voice cut through the dream and then Michael was in the cool, dark of his Airstream. His cheeks were wet and when he opened his mouth to answer Alex’s concerned voice a sob escaped him. Then another one. The overwhelming presence of reality stole what little happiness or absolution from his mother’s love that he had gotten and he remembered how things really stood in this world. His mother was dead. He’d only known her for mere minutes. He would never feel her skin against his as she hugged him and told him that she loved him. He would never have an idyllic chat with her about life. The loss seemed so much more real now that he’d met her. Before it was an old wound, something he carried with him but could work around. Now it was a fresh tear that just kept reopening and spilling all over him._

_Alex turned him onto his side so that he could gather him in his arms. Michael buried his face in the soft material of his t-shirt and let some of the grief show itself in the waves that racked his body. The sound he made was like something in him slowly ripping apart, one fiber at a time, and he hated how honest the sound was. He hated knowing that he was that broken inside._

_“Shhh, it was a dream. Whatever it was, it was just a dream,” Alex whispered into his hair, rocking him as much as their position would allow. Michael gulped in air, trying to force down the pain enough to tell him that **that** was the problem. It was a dream. It was a made-up wish of an abandoned child who grew up without a mother’s love or protection only to find it and lose it within a blind of an eye._

_“I- I know,” Michael finally managed to gasp out. “But it was my mother…”_

_His voice trembled and failed him. A fresh wave of broken hearted tears spilled from his eyes as he clenched his teeth together and tried to will them away. It was no use to cry. It wouldn’t change anything._

_“Oh, Michael,” Alex said into his hair, his arms tightening around him, and urging Michael to bury himself closer._

_“It was such a good dream,” Michael finally mumbled quietly into Alex’s chest after the racking sobs had quieted and all that was left were the weak tremors of loss. “It was waking up that hurt me. The dream was… the best.”_

_“Then I’m sorry I woke you up. You were whimpering and I thought maybe it was a nightmare,” Alex replied, his hands stroking over the muscles of Michael’s back in an effort to keep soothing him now that the tears had begun to dry up._

_“You didn’t know,” Michael sighed, letting his arms finally snake around Alex’s torso to hold him back. He needed the closeness of another body right then. It was fine that it was Alex’s. As fucked up as the whole Caulfield thing was, Alex hadn’t let him kill himself when he’d tried to. Alex had told him he was family and had made him come to the surface and survive. Some days Michael cursed him for it, but most of the time he was glad Alex cared enough to make him leave._

_“Are you going to try to go back to sleep?” Alex asked. Michael could hear the fatigue in his voice, but also the conviction to stay awake and help Michael if he needed it._

_“Yeah, could you--” Michael started before stopping to swallow and starting again, “Yeah, could you just hold me tonight?”_

_“Of course,” Alex breathed and Michael thought he could hear relief. Maybe relief that there was something he could do. Maybe relief that he’d get to go back to sleep himself._

_Michael turned back over so that his back was nestled against Alex’s front. He felt Alex’s arm wrap itself around him and he shuffled his body until they were curled together from ankle to shoulder._

_“I love you, Michael,” Alex whispered against his hair. Michael patted the hand that rested over his heart before replying._

_“I know. I love you too.”_

**The Fourteenth Night**

_Alex wouldn’t stop fidgeting. He’d been laying next to Michael for an hour and he kept moving and shifting. Michael could hear the barely there frustrated sighs against his shoulder and unfortunately if Alex wasn’t going to sleep, neither could Michael._

_“What’s up?” he asked, turning his head to look towards Alex through the darkness._

_“I’m sorry. I’m keeping you up. I should probably just go home. I don’t think I’m sleeping tonight…” he replied, starting to crawl over Michael’s body to get off the bed. Michael stilled him by gently clutching his forearms as he hovered over him._

_“You’re not bothering me, but I can tell you’re restless. What’s up?” he asked again._

_“I just can’t sleep. I’ve got too much energy,” Alex said with obvious frustration. He settled his knees to either side of Michael’s hips, but didn’t lower himself to sit. He just held still on all fours, his loose sleep shirt falling away from him and tickling over Michael’s stomach._

_“I could help you with that,” Michael said suggestively, removing his hands from Alex’s forearms to let them hover near his waist._

_“Michael,” Alex started disapprovingly. Michael didn’t get to hear what he would’ve said next, however, because he took the opportunity to pinch at the ticklish spots he knew were by Alex’s ribs making him squawk in surprise. “AH! Michael! No, NO, no!”_

_“Laughing is great for getting rid of excess energy,” Michael huffed as he wrestled a squirming Alex while trying to keep his hands on all the safe tickle spots. Alex was tough and was great at hand to hand combat so it was more of a challenge than Michael would’ve liked to admit. He started to use his telekinesis to help himself out, but at the first hint of power, Alex used some fancy move Michael wasn’t even sure how to describe to flip him over onto his stomach so Alex could sit on his butt and hold his hands pinned behind his back._

_“Say ‘UNCLE’, Guerin! I win,” Alex panted from above him._

_“Never,” Michael challenged as he wiggled his body under Alex’s._

_“Then I guess you’ll be the one to pay,” Alex threatened with mock menace before loosing Michael’s hands so he could wiggle his fingers into the space under Michael’s arms sending them both bouncing as Michael struggled to get away._

_They wrestled on the bed for a few minutes more, both laughing and crying out as they lost their advantage and were attacked with searching, pinching hands. On a particularly cruel press in advantage, Alex cornered Michael between the wall and window, reigning down tickling blows until Michael finally, breathlessly yelled ‘UNCLE’ and tapped out. Alex raised his hands in victory and they both collapsed at opposite ends of the mattress breathing hard and smiling._

_“Are you tired now?” Michael asked, grabbing onto Alex’s foot which he halfheartedly kicked out in case Michael was going to start tickling him there next._

_“A little. Let me catch my breath. Talk to me,” Alex said, putting a hand on his chest to feel his racing heart. Michael turned onto his side and laid a hand on Alex’s shin. Alex looked at him with a raised eyebrow and Michael bent over and kissed the bridge of his foot with a loud smacking sound._

_“Eck! Weirdo,” Alex yelled, pulling at his foot. Michael was grinning ear to ear. It was strange to feel that expression on his face. Using both hands he held Alex’s foot at the ankle and arch and opened his mouth wide, pulling his lips back from his teeth, and slowly lowered his face down to mime biting._

_“Nooooo. Gross! No feet stuff! Red light, Pineapple express, no means no! Guuueerrin!” Alex ended with a squeal as Michael hovered his mouth a centimeter above the skin, so close he could feel the moist blow back from breathing out of his mouth. At the last moment he closed his mouth and backed away, falling onto his back but still holding Alex’s foot with one of his hands._

_“Jerk,” Alex laughed, slapping Michael’s shin with his hand._

_“Bitch,” Michael replied and heard a snort from Alex’s end of the bed. “Think you can sleep now? I’m fucking exhausted.”_

_“Ugh I guess. But I don’t want to move. Come down here to my side of the bed,” Alex whined, crunching halfway up and holding his hands out towards Michael, fingers wiggling in beckon._

_“No way, you’re the one on the wrong end. You come up here,” Michael replied, slapping at Alex’s hands as they tried to grab his._

_“I can’t!” Alex proclaimed, letting himself fall back onto the mattress and dramatically throwing a hand over his forehead. “I’m too tired. You wore my out. Throw me a pillow and I’ll sleep where I lay!”_

_“Needy, needy, needy,” Michael joked, throwing the second pillow down towards Alex and hitting him in the face._

_“Oof!” Alex grabbed the pillow off his face and stuffed it behind his head. “Not nice!”_

_“No one’s ever accused me of being nice,” Michael commented, shuffling until he got the blanket out from under his body so he could cover them with it. They laid there for a few minutes, each breathing deeply and getting lost in their own thoughts._

_“I think you’re nice, Michael,” Alex said quietly. Michael thought of a hundred snarky replies to that statement. It made his chest tight to hear Alex say that about him. He knew it wasn’t a declaration of love or anything, but he meant it when he said people didn’t tell him he was nice. He was a bad boy, a delinquent, a smart-ass, and a gypsy… but not ‘nice’._

_“Thanks,” he replied finally, a little gruffly. “Night, ‘lex.”_

_“Night, Michael.”_


	5. November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights 15 & 16

**The Fifteenth Night**

_Michael laid awake on his side staring at Alex while he slept. The blue hour of morning was approaching. Michael had figured out that was when Alex would wake and scurry out so quietly that Michael wouldn’t wake up as he left. So Michael stared and committed every fluttering eyelash, every deep breath, every muscle twitch to memory. His fingers traced along his collarbone, his jaw, his lips, so soft as to go unnoticed. He loved how he didn’t look innocent or childlike in sleep, but almost like he was trying to listen to music from another room._

_Michael laid his head down on Alex’s shoulder for once and wrapped an arm around his chest, hand over his heart where he could feel it beating softly against his palm. He turned and pressed his mouth and nose against Alex’s skin for a second, just inhaling the scent of his soap and morning musk. He kissed the skin against his mouth so softly it almost didn’t feel like a kiss, just a slow flex and release of muscles, and it didn’t make a sound in the quiet hours of morning. Without breathing he mouthed the words “I love you” before turning and laying his head down to go back to sleep, the rhythm of Alex’s heart soothing against his ear._

_When he woke up later, the sun well up over the horizon, he was still on his stomach and Alex was gone. With an unhappy sigh, he reached over the edge of the bed and grabbed the bottle of whiskey he kept there. He unscrewed the cap, took two large gulps, and then replaced the bottle. The liquor barely burned as it slid down his throat. He curled around the spot where Alex had slept, hugging his pillow and forcing himself to relax even as his brain sought out the scent of Alex in the cotton of his pillowcase._

**The Sixteenth Night  
**

_“Michael,” a high breathy version of Alex’s voice chanted over and over like a prayer as Michael’s hands smoothed over the expanses of skin open to them. Michael’s lips roamed over the breadth of Alex’s shoulders, body pressed tight and warm behind Alex’s under the covers in his bed. His cock grinding against the cleft in Alex’s ass, impeded by clothes but still enough to have him rutting softly. Every time Alex squirmed it was like he was being shocked with static electricity everywhere they touched. Distantly he could hear a rumbling like thunder, but in this dreamworld it didn’t worry him. It just made the need to touch and worship the man beneath him all the more urgent. He didn’t want to wake up. He didn’t want this feeling to stop._

_“I love you,” Michael breathed between kisses, whispering the words with silent need into Alex’s skin over and over. His nose traced Alex’s hairline as he breathed in the smell of his shampoo and he scraped his teeth over the skin behind his ear. Alex gasped and jerked in his arms and Michael did it again to see if he could get the same result. He felt fingers curling into the blanket against his hip and it felt like they were urging him closer, pulling him tighter against Alex’s body._

_“Michael,” Alex’s voice had changed. It sounded like a warning, sharp and urgent. Michael nuzzled his face between Alex’s shoulder blades and sighed, wondering why Alex would stop him if this were a dream? He kissed the soft jutting bones of Alex’s spine at the base of his neck and down._

_“I love you” he whispered again, tightening his arms to press their bodies more closely._

_“Michael, I need you to wake up,” Alex said again in that same sharp tone. Michael whined and buried his head in the warm space between Alex’s back and the mattress. A hard pinch on his arm brought him fully to attention. His brain jerked awake at the sudden pain and his head snapped up to blearily look for a threat._

_“Ow!” he complained petulantly, drawing his arm back and away from Alex’s body. His brain woke up more fully then and he realized that he hadn’t been dreaming Alex’s body against his or the effects it was having on his body. Which meant he hadn’t been dreaming when he’d been kissing Alex’s skin or telling him that he loved him. A muted crash came from objects all around the Airstream that had been hovering while Michael was unconscious and dreaming._

_He sighed heavily and scooted away, turning onto his back and ignoring the raging hard on tenting his pajama pants. He starting to feel a little sick as he realized what he’d been doing. He hadn’t known. He had thought it was a dream._

_“I’m sorry,” he said to the darkness, his voice thick with embarrassment and regret. Alex still had his back to him, was still curled on his side with Michael’s arm trapped underneath his neck. “I thought I was dreaming.”_

_Alex sighed and uncurled, turning over to face Michael but still keeping distance between their bodies. His eyes caught the light and glittered at him from the shadows of his face._

_“I thought I was dreaming, too,” Alex admitted quietly. “Until you bit me and it woke me up.”_

_“I’m surprised this hasn’t happened more often,” Michael said trying to force levity into his comment with a small smile. He did this without looking at Alex._

_“We don’t usually spoon… or you don’t usually spoon me if we do,” Alex commented, voice small. Michael just hummed in agreement. Had that been why? He didn’t fully believe it, but for the sake of appearances he nodded even though he’d already agreed aloud._

_“Are you staying?” he asked, turning his head and looking over at Alex’s face. He wanted him to stay, but he was scared what that meant. For his part, Alex looked conflicted and guilty, chewing on his thumbnail while he thought. Finally, he nodded, closing the space between them and laying his head on Michael’s chest like he did most nights, his hand coming to rest over Michael’s heart. Michael closed his eyes and tried to let go of the feeling of Alex under his hands, the taste of his skin against his mouth, and the sound of his voice as he said Michael’s name in that tone of longing. Alex was carefully keeping his pelvis arched away from Michael’s hip, but he was sure they were both hard. It was a new kind of suffering for them both as they calmed their racing hearts and tried to think of anything but each other._


	6. December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Last Night and the First Morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Here's the much needed resolution!

**The Last Night _  
_**

_Almost three weeks passed before Alex returned. Michael was sure they were finished. He’d texted Alex to check in on him and had only received one-word responses. After the first couple of attempts, Michael let them fall into silence. He’d been drinking his favorite lemonade, bourbon, acetone cocktails every night since. He’d started sleeping exclusively in his bunker or in someone else’s bed. He didn’t seek out beautiful brunette boys with elfin features and sardonic smiles. He threw himself in the comfort of someone else’s flesh against his and the certain numbness of his vices to get through the abrupt departure from what had quickly become his norm._

_Then Alex showed up. Michael was slumped in one of the metal chairs outside of his Airstream, bourbon bottle half-finished resting on his thigh, and eyes slightly glazed over as he stared at the empty, cold fire pit before him. He’d been debating whether he would get up and take a shower for the first time in a week or whether he would stumble down to the cot in the bunker and just pass out. It was early enough he still had time to navigate his limbs down the stairs if he hurried. Then he looked up from the pit and there was Alex standing in front of him, hands shoved deep into his jean pockets, leather jacket over green sweater, and cheeks slightly flushed from the chilled autumn desert night._

_“Oh, you’re back,” Michael said finally, glancing back down at the metal drum before taking another swig from his bottle._

_“You look like shit,” Alex commented, not moving from where he stood. He just watched as Michael shrugged and took another drink. He wasn’t wrong, after all, Michael did look like shit. He’d caught his reflection in enough mirrored surfaces to realize he looked like he’d been rode hard and put away wet every night for the last millennia._

_“Have you eaten tonight?” Alex asked when Michael didn’t verbally respond to him. Michael swung his head up to look at him, a self-deprecating smile on his lips._

_“No, but I’m well hydrated,” he slurred, raising his bottle in mock toast to Alex. Alex looked like he’d sucked on a lemon, his eyebrows furrowing in disapproval as he looked Michael over. Then he turned and went into the Airstream, the door slamming behind him. “You might want to change the sheets on the bed if you’re planning on sleeping there. I don’t know when it was that I slept there last, but I’m sure it was…ya know… a while ago. And I don’t even know why you’re here anyway, I mean you could be home… with Forrest… playing house or whatever. You don’t need your teddy anymore. It’s time to pack me in the attic with all the other forgotten toys from the past. That’s all this is, right? An excuse to play with your favorite toy one last time? I—Hey, what’s this?”_

_Alex had come back out from the trailer sometime during Michael’s loud, drunken monologue. He held a plate in front of Michael’s face with a sandwich on it._

_“It’s some fucking food, Michael. Eat it and shut the fuck up,” Alex demanded, plopping the plate onto Michael’s lap when he didn’t immediately take it and then grabbing the bottle out of Michael’s slackened grip._

_“Hey! That’s mine! Don’t drink it, it’s got acetone in it,” Michael yelled, managing barely to save the plate and sandwich as he lurched to make a grab for his bottle. Alex held the bottle away from him and stopped him with a hand on his chest. He slowly pushed him back into the chair and Michael let him._

_“Eat,” was all he said before he took the bottle with him and stalked back into the trailer._

_“What is this?” Michael called again, picking up the bread and sniffing it._

_“Peanut butter and miracle whip. The only two fucking things you have in your trailer that aren’t half rotted,” Alex yelled back. Michael frowned and glanced back in the direction Alex had gone. Gingerly he opened his mouth and took a bite of the sandwich…. It wasn’t half bad. Tangy and nutty. He’d finished it before he really knew what had happened. Apparently, his body was hungrier than his mind would admit. He set the plate down on the ground by the chair and started to push himself up to stand. His legs gave out and he tumbled back into the chair, groaning at the twisting and spinning of the world around him._

_“Fuck,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and feeling his body start to revolt against the new solid addition to his liquid diet. With a few deep breaths through his nose, he was able to convince his stomach to hold on to the sandwich._

_“Al-Lex!” he called piteously, a small whine in his voice. He could hear him moving around in his Airstream._

_“What, Michael?” he heard in muffled reply._

_“What are you doing?” he called back, his stomach giving another aborted lurch as he sat up too fast so he could turn and look back at his home._

_“Trying to find anything clean enough to pack for you. I’m taking you home. I’m not staying here tonight and neither are you,” Alex called out to him. Michael took a moment, swaying in his seat, to absorb his words._

_“What?” he asked, feeling a bit slow and stupid. Alex appeared through the doorway, a small duffle bag in his hand and a look of exasperated, ill-temper on his face._

_“You’re coming home with me. I should probably just light a match on the way out and let this place burn the ground. Jesus Christ, you let this go. Come on, let’s get you standing,” he was trying to pull Michael into a standing position, hands locked around his wrists as he leaned back. Michael stayed still, just looking at him._

_“Why do you care?” he asked, scowling up at Alex, trying to ignore how good it felt to have his hands on him after their absence. He wanted to stay mad. He wanted to not be hurt that Alex had run away after one awkward night and just stay insulted that Alex didn’t even have the respect for him to shut it down properly._

_“Michael,” Alex started, his voice softening as he took in Michael’s expression. “Come on. Let’s get you into my car.”_

_“NO, Alex!” Michael started, wrenching his arms away from Alex’s grasp and pushing himself back into he seat. “No. You’re not going to do this to me. You’re not going to reel me in and then let me go just because I’ve become emotionally problematic. We’re fucking adults. We’re fucking adults with a long, fucked up history between us and every single time we try to move past that, something happens and one of us flinches and then we’re right back to being fucking butt hurt over each other. I’m… over it. I’m done. I don’t want this anymore. I’m not your back up plan. I’m not your fail safe. I’m not your medicine. I’m just a fucking fool that can’t fall out of love with you! So, let me drown my sorrows alone. Go home, Alex.”_

_Michael didn’t know when he’d stood up. When he stopped yelling, he felt the wobble in his knees and the jerk and lurch of his body trying to stay balanced. Alex looked like he’d been slapped. His eyes darted between Michael’s and Michael knew he’d feel bad about being so mean later. If he let himself sober up, he’d probably feel bad about this entire night. Then something changed in Alex’s expression. Michael could see the resolve forming behind his eyes to push the issue. Alex was going to fight him this time._

_“No, Michael. You’re in no shape to be by yourself. You’re coming home with me. If you don’t want to sleep in the same bed, that’s fine. I have all sorts of soft surfaces around the house for you to pass out on. Forrest isn’t there. And we’ll talk about all this,” he pointed between himself and Michael emphatically, “tomorrow. But I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer, Guerin. Get in the fucking car.”_

_“I might vomit,” Michael admitted after a moment, some of the fight going out of him as his heart warmed at Alex’s refusal to let him push him away._

_“Well, hang your head out of the window if you can’t give me any warning to pull over. It’s a twenty-minute drive,” Alex warned, walking over and throwing Michael’s bag into the back seat of the Explorer. Michael watched him for a minute before starting to pick up his legs to walk to the passenger’s side. He made it about three steps before his equilibrium shifted and he found himself tumbling over sideways into another on his chairs._

_“Ow, fuck…owww,” he cried piteously from the ground, noting a dull throb where his bicep had landed against the hard metal arm of the chair before pulling it down with him. Alex was on his knees next to him in a second, checking him over with his hands and eyes, looking worried and apologetic._

_“Shit, Michael, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were **this** drunk already,” Alex apologized as he helped Michael into a seated position on the hard earth. _

_“Ugh, neither did I. It might’ve been the lack of food. I’m not sure when I ate last besides that sandwich,” he moaned, swaying and trying to get his vision to focus enough to try standing again._

_“Okay, this time we’ll take it slow and I’ll hold on to you. Is that okay?” Alex asked, hand steadying on Michael’s shoulder as he looked on in worry._

_“Ugh, like that’s ever worked,” Michael groaned, shifting to get his knees under him first before shifting into a slow kneel. Alex hovered but let him do most of the work, only steadying him when he started to wobble on the way up to standing. “Okay. Let’s go.”_

_Alex’s arm wrapped around his waist before he could say anything else. Sighing, Michael lifted his arm and put it over Alex’s shoulder. They walked slowly and haltingly to the car, Michael concentrating as much as he could on simply staying vertical this time. When he was deposited into the passenger seat on the SUV, he let out a long, relieved breath that he hadn’t fallen again. He knew if he had, Alex would’ve gone down with him and as drunk as he was, he didn’t want to fuck Alex’s leg up trying to save his drunk ass from a fall he probably deserved to take._

_He listened as Alex climbed into the driver’s side and as soon as the car turned on, Michael hit the button to roll down the window. The cool night air felt good on his face. The short time he’d sat in the car already felt too stuffy for him. He wanted to start shedding layers to cool down. After about ten minutes, he felt a hand on his knee. Swinging his head, he squinted over at Alex who watched the road, but whose hand was firmly gripping his leg._

_“Alex?” he asked, watching Alex’s face curiously. Alex looked like he was searching for the right words to appear on the empty black top stretched before him._

_“Thank you for coming with me,” Alex answered finally. It felt like he’d chosen the safest answer. He squeezed Michael’s knee gently before starting to remove his hand. Michael grabbed it and replaced it where it had been, letting his rest on top, fingers barely curled around it._

_“Just don’t crash. I’ve been in enough crashes for a lifetime. Wake me when we get there,” he replied, hitting the lever to lean his seat back before relaxing and closing his eyes. He didn’t plan on actually sleeping, but he didn’t like the oppressive feeling of needing to fill the silence between them right now. He was too fucked up for any meaningful conversation and if he knew anything, he knew faking sleep got everyone to either reveal everything or keep quiet._

_The rest of the ride was blessedly silent with only the intermittent gentle tightening of Alex’s hand under his to help pass the time. Only when the car slid to a stop, the parking break engaged and the engine turned off did he feel Alex slip his hand out from under his and press against his shoulder, shaking him softly._

_“Michael, hey. We’re here,” Alex said softly. Michael hummed and stretched in his seat before turning his head and opening his eyes to look in Alex’s. “Hey.”_

_“Hey,” Michael replied, trying for a smile but feeling like he might’ve only landed a grimace._

_“Ready to go inside?” Alex asked, removing his hand from Michael’s shoulder and starting to reach for the door handle._

_“Wait,” Michael said, holding out a hand to stop Alex from leaving the car. “What’s going to happen when we go inside? Is Forrest here? Why did you not just drop me in my bed and let me sleep at the Airstream?”_

_Alex sighed, his eyes drooping as if he hoped the weight of this conversation could’ve kept until tomorrow. Maybe Michael should’ve left it alone, but he’d never get to sleep wondering why._

_“Forrest isn’t here. Forrest hasn’t been here for a couple weeks. I’ve barely been here myself,” Alex trailed off, looking at a loss. “Look, Michael, I want to tell you everything. EVERYTHING. But, not tonight. I’d like you sober for it and honestly, I’d like a night of sleep. It’s going to be… a lot… and I’m already exhausted. Will you wait until tomorrow?”_

_He looked so sad that Michael felt his resolve crumble. He could wait. He could wait until tomorrow. He met Alex’s eyes and nodded slowly. He turned and opened up his door, slowly sliding out of the seat and testing his balance before trying to move forward. Keeping one hand on the car, he slowly made his way around to the front and then with a steadying breath let go and made his own way to the front door._

_He’d been in Alex’s house a couple times, but it never seemed to stick in his mind. Every time he came through the front door it was like showing up for the first time again. He didn’t have a feeling of comfort here. He’d never found a space for himself amongst Alex’s other belongings._

_“Guest bed?” Alex offered after he’d shut and locked the door behind them. Michael turned to look at him, hanging his jacket on a hook by the door and toeing off his shoes. He tried to do the same, but the second he went to push off his shoes he stumbled back._

_“Uh, is there something closer?” Michael asked once he was standing upright again. Alex smiled and waved him towards the couch. Michael flopped down on his back, groaning as the soft cushions folded around the edges of his body and pulled him towards sleep so quickly he was surprised when Alex was tapping his shoulder and making him raise his head so he could slip under him, pillowing Michael’s head on his lap._

_“I’m guessing you don’t want to put on pajamas?” Alex asked softly, running his fingers through Michael’s dirty curls. Michael groaned and rolled onto his side, burying his face against Alex’s shirt covered stomach. He smelled like Alex. Only Alex. Michael let sleep overtake him then, knowing Alex would look after him in this unfamiliar place until morning._

**The First Morning**

Michael woke up slowly. He took a moment to orient himself and found first that his neck was killing him and he felt like he’d been sucking on a used gym sock all night. His back also felt like someone had been making him hold advanced yoga poses for too long. His head was pounding, but that was par for the course most mornings lately. He wasn’t in his own bed and he didn’t know what time it was, but he knew one thing… he needed some acetone to numb his brain. He opened his eyes slowly and found himself looking up Alex’s slumped body to see the underside of his stubbled chin. He was breathing slow and deep, head tipped against the back of the couch cushions. There was the faintest blue glow to the house around them and he knew he’d woken up right before dawn.

Carefully Michael raised himself into a sitting position. A soft, knitted throw fell off his chest and he moved it from his lap as he swung his legs around to sit on the edge. Alex had left out a bottle of acetone and some water on the coffee table in front of him. It was… too sweet. Too much for Michael to deal with right then. He tensed his muscles to stand, intending to sneak out and walk back to the junkyard, when Alex’s head jerked up, his eyes instantly open and focused, hand shooting out and grabbing Michael’s shoulder.

“Where are you going?” he asked, voice rough from sleep but eyes intense.

“To the bathroom?” Michael lied. Alex’s body relaxed a little, his hand sliding off of Michael’s shoulder and back onto the couch cushion.

“Down the hall. Second door on the left. Feel free to grab a shower. Your duffle is in the adjoining bedroom,” Alex told him, smiling a little like he was pleased Michael hadn’t said he was leaving. He leaned back and stretched, mouth yawning widely and Michael, for one terrible moment, could do nothing but watch him and want to crawl into his lap. He tore his eyes away, head wrenching towards the direction of the hall that Alex had pointed him to and then he was out of the room in a flash. He tried to ignore the way his mind clouded with conflicting emotions. He was mad last night, but in the blue hours of the morning that feeling was being overridden by the fear of being pulled back in and thrown out again. Alex wanted to talk, wanted to have a conversation about them, but in what context? He’d dropped him, cut off communication after a weird, sleep-driven frotting and now he wanted to talk. Was this how he let him down for the final time? 

He turned into the bathroom and shut the door behind him, trying to ignore that he was breathing way too hard for the short walk he’d just taken or that his chest was too tight and his throat was too thick to swallow around. He tried to ignore the way his fingers tingled. He felt like he was dying. But this wasn’t that. This wasn’t fatal. He’d felt this way a lot when he was a kid. It would pass. He just had to keep breathing. He had to slow it down and keep breathing. He slid down the wall and huddled next to the bathtub, hugging his knees and trying to ground himself.

“Michael? You forgot to grab a towel—” Alex’s voice reached him from the other side of the door. He wanted to answer the door but his muscles felt like they were locking up on him. So, he watched helplessly as the door swung open and Alex stuck his head in, eyes sweeping the room until they landed on Michael. He stood there, eyes taking in everything about Michael’s appearance and then he slipped into the room, closing the door behind him. It wasn’t a logical move. The only other person in the house was frozen in a trembling mass trying to remember how long he should hold his breath before breathing out again.

“Hey,” Alex said calmly, approaching Michael with slow deliberate steps and lowering himself to sit on the ground in front of him. Michael met his eyes and realized there had been tears pooling in his own. He felt their warm tracks on his cheeks as his vision cleared. He hadn’t realized he’d started crying.

“I’m not going to ask if you’re okay. I’m going to ask if you’ll let me help you. Can I help you, Michael? Do you trust me to try to help you?” Alex asked, his hands hovering in front of him. Michael vaguely wondered why people did that. Was it to show there was nothing up their sleeves? When had that gesture started to mean ‘no harm’? He brought himself back to the present, away from his wandering thoughts, and focused on Alex who was still waiting for him to answer. He managed a nod, noting that his breathing was calming down though the tightness in his chest remained.

“Okay. Do you want to take a shower?” Alex asked, waving a hand towards the stall next to them. Michael thought about it for a moment. He shook his head slowly, not wanting to meet Alex’s eyes because he knew he was dirty. His hyper alert brain could see every stain on his jeans and feel the layer of old sweat against his skin, but the idea of all that noise and the feeling of the water beating against his skin was terrible for some reason. “How about a bath?”

Michael sighed and nodded, lowering his head to rest against his knees. A bath would be fine even if it wouldn’t truly clean him, but maybe it would help his muscles relax. He heard Alex shuffling near him and then the dull roar of water from the tub’s faucet started. A tentative hand pressed gently against his, fingers curling around his slowly, holding him steady and keeping him present.

“Do you want me to… uh, help? Like, do you want me to stay in here or leave?” Alex asked, nerves coming out as he asked. It made Michael smile for some reason and he raised his head to look at him. Michael was trying to have a breakdown and Alex was being bashful about seeing him naked.

“I’m not modest, Alex. You’ve been between every crease of skin on me,” Michael commented, chest loosening a little as he watched Alex blush.

“I just… didn’t know if you’d want me seeing you like that right now. Sometimes things are different when you’re feeling vulnerable,” he admitted, fidgeting for a moment before turning to check the water temperature and level in the bathtub.

“Alex, I’ve never hidden myself from you. Not really. You’ve had me naked in every way that counts since day one. It doesn’t matter if you see a little skin when I’m feeling overwhelmed,” Michael said before making his point by pulling his shirt off over his head. He tossed it across the room and then started push himself up with his hands so he could sit on the edge of the tub to remove his pants. Alex sat and watched passively, mind turned inward as Michael stripped and then lowered himself into the hot water. He groaned at how good the heat felt against his sore muscles and closed his eyes to enjoy the rising water lapping at his skin and the steam loosening the sweat and dirt baked into his skin.

“You know what used to suck the most about visiting Roswell on leave?” Alex asked quietly, eyes looking in Michael’s direction but focus still inward. He’d drawn his knees up and loosely hugged them towards his chest with his arms. He looked so tired then and so sad that Michael’s heart cracked in anticipation of what would come next. “What sucked the most was when I’d come home… and you’d have a new scar or laugh line on your face. When I could see the passage of time on your body and I could tell that you’d been living without me. You had experiences and stories that I might never know about because I was overseas doing the same thing. And that hurt more than any bullet wound or explosion because it felt inevitable that I’d someday come home and you would have figured out that I wasn’t good enough for you and would’ve moved on. That you’d been wasting your time pining over someone who would never be whole on the inside.”

Michael sat up then, letting the water run off him in thick rivulets as he reached out and put his hand against Alex’s cheek, thumb tracing over the skin under his eye. He made sure Alex was really looking at him before he started to talk.

“That would never happen, Alex. I don’t know how many ways or times I can tell you this, but you’re it for me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not looking away from you. I’m just…. Missing you as much as you missed me. I completely understand about not feeling like you’re whole or good enough for someone when they feel like the missing piece to your puzzle. You wonder why they can’t feel it, why your edges aren’t lining up like they should. But our edges _do_ line up, Alex. Maybe that’s why it’s been so hard… cause that’s the part no body taught us to trust. Good things were always followed by a long drop,” he finished, feeling like he couldn’t explain it to himself fully, much less to Alex. He didn’t know how to tell him how much he had meant to him every day since senior year.

Alex slid closer to the edge of the tub so he could rest his arm on the edge, his head propped in his hand as he looked at Michael seriously, seeming to consider his words. 

“How much do you remember about last night?” he asked, watching Michael as he grabbed for the bar of soap in the corner over his shoulder and a washrag.

“Uh…” he started, searching his fuzzy memory from the night before. He remembered drinking and falling…a lot of falling…and Alex insisting he come home with him because…“Forrest isn’t here and you had something to tell me about why you’ve stonewalled me for almost a month.”

“Right,” Alex said, seeming to gather himself. “So Forrest and I broke up. It wasn’t mutual, but it wasn’t ugly either. I think he’d been biding his time with me, waiting to see if I’d wake up and realize he was a catch. And he was in some ways. 4 out of 5 stars, would recommend to anyone else in the universe but me or you. Afterwards, I just… stayed here and thought. Thought about what I’d been doing for the last couple months and all the ways I’d been hurting myself and you and Forrest… and I decided I was tired of not being happy. I was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I took your advice and finally talked to my doctor and started going to therapy. I also got put on some more medication and I feel like maybe it’s starting to help? Its not really going to be good and in my system for another week or so, but I don’t feel… like I did. I don’t feel so out of control and desperate and scared. I don’t think I’m anywhere near ‘good’, but ya know… it’s a start. And that’s where I’ve been. I’ve been kind of self-isolating while I’ve been trying to lay a foundation of healing with myself. But I understand that I didn’t explain that, I kind of just holed up and shut everyone out including you. That wasn’t fair. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, though I see now that I absolutely was. I’m sorry about that.”

Michael had been listening and rubbing the grime from his skin. He thought about what had Alex said while he splashed water over himself, letting the dirt and soap roll off his skin and turn the water a dirty grey. He reached forward and pulled the cord to let the water start draining away from him.

“I need to wash my hair. I don’t want to do that in dirty water,” Michael said in way of explanation as Alex watched him in silent question. He was buying time. He didn’t know how he wanted to respond to Alex’s admission. The feeling of the water getting pulled away from his body was weirdly cathartic to all the noise in his head that was warring for dominance over his reactions. Alex had hurt him. Alex had gutted him by shutting him out, but he’d also finally, finally sought help for himself. He’d recognized that he needed more than Michael to fix his issues and that was… that was a start, wasn’t it? As the last swirl of water went down the drain, he thought ‘What matters here the most?’. The answer was always going to be Alex’s happiness.

“I’m glad you sought help,” Michael said simply. Alex had been watching him though all his ablutions, abstracted and waiting for Michael to speak, but seemingly content for that process to take as long as it needed. At Michael’s words, he looked up and caught Michael’s gaze. There seemed that a lot passed between them without words then and Alex felt himself soften, his lips give a tentative smile towards Michael and saw his face mirror that expression. It felt like they’d agreed with nothing but their eyes that it would be okay, they’d find a way to move past it.

“Here, flip around. I’ll sit on the side and wash your hair with the handheld so you don’t have to get up,” Alex offered, hoisting himself up to sit on the side of the tub.

“Uh, you’re going to get soaking wet,” Michael commented, even as he was spinning his body so that he was facing away from the faucet. Alex shrugged and pressed the button to start the water in the shower. The first spray was cold against Michael’s back and he yelped a little from the shock of it, but it soon warmed up.

“Lean your head back,” Alex instructed as he started to direct the water at Michael’s hair. Michael did as he was instructed, bracing his arms behind him and tipping his chin up to keep the water from running down into his eyes. Alex held the shower head with one hand and the other ran gently through his tangled curls to make sure they were completely wet before he turned off the water and grabbed the shampoo. When he dug his fingers into Michael’s scalp, the moan that came out of him was practically pornographic. They both froze as it hit them how filthy it sounded and then Michael started laughing. Alex chuckled with him a little and kept moving, lathering up his scalp and making sure he was using enough pressure to keep a small, contented smile on Michael’s face throughout the process. After he rinsed out the shampoo, he asked, “Conditioner?”

“Not today. Too much work,” Michael groaned, body starting to get cold from the open air running over his skin while Alex had been washing his hair. Alex shut off the water and grabbed the towel from the toilet lid where he’d thrown it earlier. He handed the towel over and stood, backing away from the tub slowly.

“Uh, let me go grab your bag. I think I grabbed some sweats that were clean…” he started, but Michael stopped him with a hand.

“I can pretty much guarantee you that nothing you found in that Airstream is clean. Do you mind if I just borrow some of yours?” Michael asked, standing and passing the towel over his hair and shoulders to soak up any water droplets still on him. He watched as Alex walked to the door, half turning to answer him.

“Sure,” Alex agreed, looking a little shy when he wouldn’t meet Michael’s eyes immediately. The way his eyes swept lingeringly over Michael’s naked body, however, wasn’t shy at all and Michael wasn’t sure he wasn’t supposed to catch the look he was being given.

“Then maybe we can try to get a little more sleep? In a bed this time?” he teased, watched Alex’s eyes follow the towel as he slid it down his stomach and held it in front of his crotch. Alex’s eyes jumped back up to his. His smile seemed casual enough, but Michael could see the way he swallowed and that his eyes seemed darker even from across the room. He liked the effect he was having on him.

“Yeah, sure,” Alex agreed, voice a little higher than normal, “Whatever you want, Michael.”

Michael watched him disappear through the door before he stepped out of the tub and wrapped the towel around his hips. He followed the sounds of Alex in the house until he found him in what must’ve been his bedroom. It was the first truly lived in room he’d seen in the house. The windows were covered with purple black-out curtains that made the room feel like a private cave. Alex’s queen-sized bed was covered in dark grey sheets and a black duvet, both rumpled and slept in. Alex was rummaging through a black dresser set into the room’s closet and Michael watched him frantically look through his clothes for something for him to wear. 

“I think I’ve seen about twenty pairs of pajama pants get moved to the side. What are you looking for? I’m really not picky,” Michael asked as he moved to stand behind Alex, close enough to look over his shoulder. Alex turned his head to answer and Michael realized he was close enough to see the darker streaks of brown that ran through his eyes. The air between them was electric and Michael watched Alex lick his lips nervously as they stared at one another. Slowly, Michael brought his hands up to touch Alex’s waist. He kept eye contact as best he could while he lowered his head and kissed the ball of Alex’s shoulder through his long-sleeved shirt. If Alex chose to, he could let it stay platonic. The kiss was simple affection to a friend. Michael could give him that if he needed it.

“Michael…,” Alex started with a sigh, his body turning in Michael’s hands until he was pressed against the closed dresser drawer. Michael stepped closer until their chests brushed when they breathed. He wanted so much at that moment to just be able to touch Alex everywhere without worry he was going too far.

“I know we have a lot to unpack, a lot to sort through, a lot to agree to discard between us, but right now if all that is going to end with us naked anyway, can we just start there? You’re like oxygen to me too and I’ve spent months holding my breath. Please, please let me have you first and then we can figure it all out after,” Michael begged. His fingers had slipped under Alex’s shirt as he spoke though he didn’t try to move them any further than Alex’s waist. Alex’s eyes fluttered when his thumbs brushed along his sides and Michael’s chest ached with how badly he needed to see Alex flushed and undone by him.

“I just need to clarify one thing before we do,” Alex said a little raggedly, his hands coming up to bury themselves in Michael’s hair, his body swaying towards Michael’s almost unconsciously. He pressed his forehead against Michael’s, breathing deeply before opening his eyes and locking their gaze together. “You are mine. You are mine and I am yours. That makes this an ‘us’, ‘we’, ‘them’, ‘they’. Do you agree?”

“That is literally the only thing I’ve ever been a hundred percent sure about. I am yours. You are mine,” Michael repeated the last part, feeling safe to seal his mouth over Alex’s in acquiescence.

Alex responded immediately, his mouth opening to invite Michael in as he pushed off the dresser to press his entire body against Michael’s. The hunger and ferocity with which he pursued Michael’s mouth was breath taking and Michael’s body responded in kind to him. When he was able to break his lips away from Alex’s, he found himself helpless against Alex’s mouth now attached to his jaw and throat, the towel pushed off for them to trample under foot as Alex walked him back towards the bed.

“Naked, Alex. I need you naked,” Michael breathed, hands rucking Alex’s shirt up and off of him. His thighs hit the mattress behind him and he sank to his knees, finger’s scrabbling with he button of Alex’s pants.

“Michael,” Alex moaned when he looked down and caught Michael’s hungry expression. Michael tugged at his pants until they pooled by Michael’s knees on the floor. He could see the outline of Alex’s cock through his boxer briefs, wet spot forming at the tip, and his mouth watered as he thought about getting to taste him there for the first time in a very long time. He licked the cloth covered bulge with the flat of his tongue, tasting the salty liquid saturating the fabric over the head, unable to stop himself from having a taste before pulling Alex’s underwear down to join his pants. Michael wrapped his hand around Alex’s length, giving him loose, teasing strokes that made Alex grip his shoulder to steady himself. Michael wrapped his mouth around the red, shining head next and moaned from the taste. His tongue darted in to tease at the slit, drawing out more of that nectar while his hand continues it’s slow ministrations over the flesh not in his mouth.

“God, Michael…” Alex breathed as he watched Michael taking his time over his cock. Michael opened his mouth wider then and sank further down Alex’s shaft, cheeks hollowing as he started to bob his head. This was his favorite. He loved being on his knees for Alex and giving him pleasure. He loved feeling the muscles of his thighs shake under his hands when Alex got close and the way he could never take all of him at once unless he did it very, very slowly. He loved Alex’s hands in his hair, not directing him, but using him as an anchor against the tide of pleasure rolling through him. Michael brought his unoccupied hand up and started massaging the stretch of skin behind Alex’s balls, stimulating his prostate externally while using his lips and tongue to draw Alex ever closer to shooting down his throat.

“Shit, babe, I need you to stop. I’m so close, so fucking close, and I want to.. OH, OH Fuck, Michael!” Alex looked destroyed as he shot down Michael’s throat. Michael knew it was probably mean to keep going on him like that, but if they were going to have forever then Alex’s refractory period could take up some of that time. Michael let Alex catch his breath before pulling his mouth slowly off his cock and standing up.

“Get on the bed,” Alex growled once he caught the smug smile on Michael’s face. Michael laughed and hopped back onto the mattress, opening his legs and pulling Alex in between them before giving him a filthy kiss and letting him taste himself on Michael’s tongue.

“Sure, love, where do you want me?” Michael asked as he ran his hands up and down Alex’s chest, making sure to drag his nails lightly over his nipples just to hear him suck in his breath.

“Well, I _was_ going to take you apart on my dick, but now I think I’m going to have to settle for watching you come on my fingers,” Alex said, his voice low and promising delicious, dirty things. Michael groaned at the thought, his ignored cock throbbing in anticipation of getting to come from Alex filling him. “Go lay in the middle of the bed while I finish undressing and grab the lube.”

Michael scrambled to obey, crawling over the covers to lay in the middle of the bed on his back. He watched Alex lean over and grab a bottle of lube out of the bedside table, throwing it towards where Michael lay watching him. Michael loved watching the play of muscle on Alex’s body as he bent and twisted to take off his pants and strip off his prosthetic. He gripped himself lightly as he did, not providing any extra stimulation past the gentle pressure of his hand against his burning flesh. Alex’s body was always a vision for him and he craved every inch of it.

Alex finished undressing and turned, and knee walking over to where Michael was laying with his legs spread and knees bent in readiness for Alex’s touch.

“Fuck Michael, you look so fucking good like this,” Alex crooned as he settled himself between Michael’s thighs and smoothing his hands from knee to diaphragm over Michael’s skin. He looked like a starving man presented with a buffet and Michael preened knowing it was him that Alex was hungry for. He watched Alex spread lube on his hand and shifted his hips, trying to spread himself wider for his lover. The first touch of cool fingers against his hole had him biting his lip, hand tightening involuntarily on his shaft. He bit his lip and stifled the groan at how desperate he was to feel Alex slipping into him.

“Let go of yourself, Michael. Leave it to me,” Alex said as he shoo’d Michael’s hand away from his dick. Michael whined, hands falling to the bed where he fisted the comforter in an effort to be good for Alex. The fingers Alex had placed against his hole were rubbing small circles across the puckered skin, spreading the lube and warming it. He breached Michael slowly, just one finger slowly, inexorably pressing inwards. Michael groaned at the intrusion, loving the way Alex always opened him so carefully. The first finger was almost as good as the first thrust when Alex would fit his cock inside of him, the muscles tightly clenching around the stretch and forcing Michael to react by calming his body down enough to allow it. A fine sweat broke out on skin as Alex’s finger started to move inside of him, shallowly thrusting in and out to loosen the muscle.

When Alex started kissing his chest and stomach, Michael started, not realizing he’d closed his eyes with the exquisite pleasure of Alex touching him. He looked down in time to see Alex grin before taking Michael’s nipple gently between his teeth, pulling and scraping softly before enveloping the abused nub with his mouth, tongue smoothing over the pebbled flesh and pulling a cry out from Michael. He’d shifted his body, back arching, when he’d cried out and the shift caused Alex’s finger to brush across lightly over his prostate, lighting up his senses.

“There we go,” Alex said, smiling against his skin as he kissed his way to the other nipple to give it similar treatment as the first. He pulled his finger back out and added lube before pressing two past Michael’s rim. His fingers unerringly found their way back to Michael’s prostate and he rubbed them over and over it while teasing Michael’s nipples.

“Shit, fuck Alex,” Michael swore as his hips started grinding down against Alex’s fingers. He couldn’t stand fisting the blanket any longer, so Michael began touching Alex instead. He buried one hand in Alex’s hair, cradling the back of his head as he felt the sharp pinch of teeth on his skin continue downwards. The other clung to the muscles in Alex’s shoulders and back, nails digging in on particularly strong spikes of sensation from Alex’s fingers and mouth.

“Mmm, you’re doing so good for me. Fuck I love watching you chase my fingers with your body, just begging for me stay inside you and press against that hot button of yours,” Alex swore in between kisses, trailing his mouth closer and closer to Michael’s copiously leaking cock. It was flushed with blood, scarlet at being ignored without more than a brush of skin here and there, aching for Alex to pay attention to it.

“Alex, love, please!” Michael begged when he felt the sensitive skin of his head brush the side of Alex’s cheek, smearing precome onto his skin. Alex took pity on him, turning his head and swirling his tongue over the tip. He mouthed down the shaft and then flattened his tongue to lick back up. Michael was keening above him, eyes glued to the sin that was Alex Mane’s mouth finally enveloping his cock in his warm, wet heat and sucking his brains out of his body. He felt his balls tighten and Alex began to rub harder against his prostate while simultaneously pulling Michael’s cock as deep into his mouth as he could manage. Michael was sure he heard angel’s singing when he came, unloading himself onto the back of Alex’s tongue and feeling the sweet pressure of him swallowing around him.

When Alex withdrew from Michael’s body, he felt momentarily bereft. He lay panting on the bed, body alight in wonder and aftershocks of pleasure as Alex went to get a washcloth to clean them up. After the necessary functions were taken care of, he climbed up and curled against Michael’s side. His head immediately found it’s spot between shoulder and neck, his hand rested solidly over Michael’s heart.

“Jesus, we’re fucking good at that,” Michael huffed, body canting towards Alex’s so he could wrap his arms around him.

“We’re good at a lot of things. We’re _great_ at that,” Alex agreed, tilting his head to give Michael a lingering kiss before settling back down against him. Michael hummed in agreement, his body decidedly loose-limbed after getting to come and despite being uncovered, they both fell asleep quickly in each other’s arms. 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos and high fives are always a welcome addition to my author brain's vanity! I hope you guys are enjoying this!
> 
> come gab at me about Malex or anything Roswell NM at [ tumblr! ](http://skinsharpenedteeth.tumblr.com)
> 
> thank you so much for reading!


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